Mall Over You
by Ryan Markins
Mall Over You
by Ryan Markins
Thanks for visiting. If you’re coming from a link at the bottom of Miniature Golf Infractions, why don’t you stay awhile and learn some German from us? For example: “Ünd” translates to “and.”
Anyways, here are some other things you might like if you enjoyed Miniature Golf Infractions:
Auf wiedersehen! (That’s German for “Glad you love the site and are passing it on to all of your friends.”)
Our latest work is now live at Splitsider. It’s called “Miniature Golf Infractions,” and you can read it by clicking here. Thanks for reading. Our regular posting schedule resumes here tomorrow.
Dear Lorne Michaels,
I’m contacting you on behalf of myself and my collaborator Nick Klinger. We’re interested in joining the Saturday Night Live writing staff, and we were told the best way to be considered was to send you a sample of something that might appear on the show. That piece is below. We hope you like it!
John & Nick
[hilarious cold opening sketch, ending with “LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”]
[hosts descend stairs together to massive applause]
John Carroll: Thank you!
Nick Klinger: Yes, thank you!
John: Wow! You’re still going!
Nick: Please! Stop! You’re cutting into our hosting time!
[John and Nick laugh, pat each other on back, causing crowd to applaud louder]
John: Let me tell you, it’s an absolute honor to be here tonight with my friend and collaborator, Nick Klinger.
Nick: Right back at you, John.
John: As some of you may know, we’re originally from Philadelphia…
Nick: …and we’re two WILD and CRAZY guys!
[John and Nick pause, letting laughter wash over the studio]
John: You probably met us through our hit TV series, Fellas & Their Ladies, but I actually know Nick from way back in high school.
Nick: That’s right, John. In fact, a lot of famous people graduated from our high school.
John: It’s too bad none of them could be here tonight, huh Nick?
[Jon Hamm walks on stage, waves to crowd]
John: What a surprise!
Nick: You’re one MAD MAN, Jon.
[crowd laughs, Jon Hamm exits stage right]
John: But seriously folks, it’s time to get down to hosting. I have a few things to get off my chest tonight.
Nick: Like that shirt?
John: No, Nick. I have some THOUGHTS to get off my chest. And there’s no better way to do that … than through song.
[crowd cheers, lights dim, spotlights on hosts]
NOTE TO WRITING STAFF: Please write a funny song, about 2 minutes in length, that we can perform here. Would prefer something uptempo and melodic. NO HIP HOP. See if The Lonely Island is available.
[background dancers perform during song; blonde, preferably]
[Neil Young appears as guest guitarist]
[crowd gives a standing ovation at end of song]
John: Wow, that was a great song, Nick.
Nick: Indeed it was. And, folks, if you liked it, you can buy it tomorrow morning on iTunes.
John: That’s a first!
Nick: Sure is!
John: We can’t leave this stage without mentioning why we’re here, can we?
Nick: We’re here promoting our new film, Holdin’ It Two-gether, the fourth entry in our popular Holdin’ series.
John: You know them well — Holdin’ It Down, What You Holdin’? and Holdin’ It Together.
Nick: Now HOLD ON, John, we’re not here to promote four movies.
John: We aren’t?
Nick: Nope. We’re promoting Holdin’ It Two-gether, not Holdin’ It Down or What You Holdin’? or Holdin’ It Together.
John: I’ll take your word for it, buddy.
Nick: Anyways, we’d be remiss if we didn’t invite the series star to join us on stage. Jamie Foxx, get your black ass out here!
[Kenan Thompson walks on stage dressed as Jamie Foxx]
Kenan: Hey, I’m Jamie Foxx.
[crowd laughs, Kenan exits stage right]
John: How does that guy not have an Oscar?
Nick: I don’t know, John.
John: We’re starting to get the wrap-up signal, Nick. Anything left you’ve got to say?
Nick: Not at all, John. Just want to dedicate my performance tonight to my girlfriend, Sofia Vergara.
John: How sweet. I better shout-out the ‘ol ball and chain, too, huh?
Nick: Of course. Need to keep things good at home, JC. Isn’t she in the audience tonight?
John: She sure is.
[camera pans to Michelle Obama; crowd cheers]
Nick: All right, we have a great show for you tonight!
John: Pavement is here! Stay tuned! We’ll be right back!
Ghostbusters II was released in June of 1989. The highly-anticipated sequel didn’t need much promotion, but that didn’t stop the perfectionists at Columbia Pictures from spending months agonizing over how to re-introduce the Ghostbusters to America. The process has become the stuff of Hollywood lore, so we decided to approach the key figures involved in creating the Ghostbusters II poster and have them narrate the complex and intriguing creative process.
Michael Ramsey (Head of Public Relations, Columbia Pictures)
I think we were all intimidated to follow-up the first film’s poster. What an iconic image: that Ghostbusting logo over the black background. Every kid wanted that thing hanging in their bedroom. Then my boss comes and tells me, “Hey Mike, we’re making another one.” I wanted to say to him, “I can’t wait to see it… but I can wait to design the poster!”
Donald Beaks (President, Columbia Pictures)
I remember Mikey started sweating when I told him about Ghostbusters II. He didn’t think it could be done. He even floated the idea that we just not do a poster. I remember telling him: “Hey Mikey, you’re crazy, you know that?”
Ivan Reitman (Director, Ghostbusters II)
I didn’t see what the big deal was. It was just a poster.
Steven Wright (Public Relations Artist, Columbia Pictures)
I was chomping at the bit to do the art for that poster. I saw what the first one did for everyone’s careers and I thought: I gotta get me a piece of that. I started drawing immediately. My first idea revolved around the guys trying to trap Casper, but I later learned we didn’t have the rights to that property. It’s too bad. That would have been a lot of fun to draw.
F. Domonic Johnson (Public Relations Photographer, Columbia Pictures)
There was a lot of jockeying for that poster. The artists wanted to draw it. The photographers wanted to shoot it. There was some bad blood around that time, that’s for sure. I bet there are still some hard feelings today.
Dom Johnson is a prick. An absolute prick. We always called him Fuck Dom Johnson behind his back.
F. Domonic Johnson
Steven Wright? I don’t recall the name.
The tagline was our first big breakthrough. I thought to myself: “Well, they saved the world in the first one, and they’ll probably do it again in the second.” That’s how we came up with the tagline, “Guess who’s coming to save the world again.” ‘Cause everyone knew the answer: it’s the Ghostbusters who are coming to do that.
I remember Mike had this crazy idea that we’d just run a black poster with the tagline on the bottom. It was absolutely nuts. I was worried that this poster would end his career.
Bill Murray (Actor, Ghostbusters II; Golf Enthusiast)
Wes is a great director, and a close friend. I remember when we started shooting on Tenenbaums, he told me that the secret to moviemaking is to keep mayonnaise off of the catering trucks. And you know what: he was right.
We had a lot of crazy ideas. I don’t even know if I should share all of them. Some of these guys still have to work in this town.
I had this idea where I’d do a really sparse drawing of the Ghostbusters themselves, then we’d attach a box of crayons to every poster so kids could color them in. We actually did a test run in LA. But they just became more territory for gangs to claim, so we scrapped the whole thing.
Mikey had this nutso idea about creating posters entirely out of water. I mean, we were in so deep I couldn’t tell at the time if he was insane or brilliant. I still think about that poster idea sometimes. I bet it’ll happen one day. I always thought Titanic should’ve tried it.
Dan Aykroyd (Vodka Distiller, Crystal Head Vodka)
I’m only going to do the oral history if there’s a plug for my Crystal Head Vodka in the piece that runs. Are you willing to commit to that?
Do I regret doing Space Jam? No, not at all. How many people can say they acted alongside Michael Jordan?
I don’t know what was going on back then. I just remember it being less than a month from release and realizing: we don’t have a poster.
We were definitely cutting it close. I mean, I had people in my ear telling me: this movie is a guaranteed success. People just need to know it exists. And we were failing even that low standard. I can’t believe we all kept our jobs.
I don’t know if I ever told Mikey this, but we dummied up a rush poster in case he failed us. It was just the original with a big ‘2’ slapped over it. We had an initial print run done and everything. I think we eventually sent them to kids in Ethiopia.
The big breakthrough came for me at an ADR session. I was allowed to sit in, because I was just looking for inspiration anywhere I could find it. And, y’know, I didn’t get it ‘til the end. It was all from Ernie Hudson.
Ernie Hudson (Voice Actor, Ghostbusters: The Video Game)
Me? I have no idea. I can’t even remember what the poster looks like to tell you the truth.
Ernie had just finished wrapping up his recording. And he was walking out. And we were in the studio where the first Ghostbusters had done some ADR, so there’s a poster on the wall. And Ernie stops in front of it, turns to all of us, and says, “Peace, yo.” And he throws up the peace sign. Right in front of the poster. It just clicked.
The rest is history.
I remember hearing Mike in the halls as he ran toward our office. He kept screaming, “PEACE, YO!” He had me draw it up immediately. It was perfect.
F. Domonic Johnson
Listen, I’m a photographer. I love photos. I think all film posters should use the very best photography. But even I have to admit that they nailed this one. Nailed it.
I was just happy to have a poster. I don’t know what took them so long.
Rick Moranis (Actor, Ghostbusters II; Canadian)
Sorry, I don’t think I’m going to participate.
Harvey Keitel (Actor, Sister Act)
I wasn’t in Ghostbusters II. But that poster made me wish I was.
I can’t believe what it did for my career. Just really opened me up creatively. I ain’t ‘fraid of no posters, y’know? Haha. I just came up with that.
It’s a remarkable triumph in the industry. There’s a reason you’ve heard the story so many times and wanted to piece it together. An unbridled creative triumph. We’ll probably never see something like it again.
Annie Potts (Actress, Ghostbusters & Ghostbusters II)
The poster? Wasn’t it just the same thing as the first movie?
I just wish the movie was better. Really wasted a good poster on it.
Oh yeah, the film was a real turd.
I have fond memories of both the poster and the film. Is that good? Is that all you need? Remember: Crystal Head Vodka. The bottle is shaped like a skull. It’s really cool.
Image Source for “Shrug” Poster: Houston Area Ghostbusters
We recently had a piece rejected by BuzzFeed, so we thought we’d share it here:
1. Particle Theory
2. Season 4 of The Shield
4. Connie Chung
5. The afterlife
6. Why good people do bad things
7. The Philadelphia General Strike of 1910
8. Instant Coffee
10. Liev Schrieber
12. Generic cereal
13. Bow ties
14. Sounds only dogs can hear
15. Werther’s Originals
16. Don Rickles
17. Saturn V Rockets
18. Michael Jackson’s Thriller
19. Fish tacos
20. DSW: Designer Shoe Warehouse
GNST-140: Gender Studies Seminar
Summer 2013, WF 4:45 – 5:45
Professor Tucker Max (email@example.com)
Reclaiming The World From Feminists And Cockblockers
“Don’t blame me for the wound in your crotch.” — Tucker Max, distinguished author
I am honored to introduce the latest course offering in the O’Brien University Gender Studies Department: Men’s History. For too long, this overlooked and important topic has been excluded from the academy. I hope this course is just the beginning of a revolution, in which we re-introduce the world’s newest minority, men, to a setting that has long ostracized it.
But don’t worry: this won’t be some dry, boring look at old stuff. This course will be a survey of all things man: for the first time ever, we will dive deep into this complex, extraordinary creature.
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max
Assholes Finish First by Tucker Max
In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks by Adam Carolla
Tommyland by Tommy Lee
How To Make Love Like A Porn Star by Jenna Jameson
Major Essays: 40%
Final Exam: 25%
Class Hookups: $15
Personal: For this personal essay, please describe when you lost your virginity. Include concrete narrative details like date, location, age, and cup size. I have made this the first assignment so that virgins have the option of dropping the course.
Compare and Contrast: For your second essay, please analyze the pros and cons of using roofies versus natural charm to bed your date. Be sure to weave in your own examples for each side, as well as contact information so that I may verify your stories.
Research: In this final essay, you will use academic research to answer the age-old question, “Are women funny?” If you answer “No,” be sure to include examples of women who are not funny (e.g. Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, etc.). If you answer “Yes,” good luck.
Late Work Policy
If you’re late, you need to take a test. If you pass the test, you need to get an abortion. If you don’t understand this, get out of my classroom.
Here is the lecture schedule. It is subject to change:
06/05 Class Introduction Icebreakers: Your favorite Tucker Max book?
06/07 A Brief History of Great Accomplishments by Men
06/12 The Penis Is Mightier
06/14 Has A Woman Ever Been To Space?
06/19 Film Screening: Boondock Saints
06/21 Fat Chicks: What’s Up With Them?
06/26 How A Tampon Works
06/28 The Holocaust
07/03 What I Like About Mormonism
07/05 Men Can Be Raped Too
07/10 Lena Dunham: American Terrorist
07/12 Threesomes (I’ve Had One)
07/17 Guest lecture by Joseph Francis (creator, Girls Gone Wild)
07/19 How Young Is Too Young?
07/24 The Philosophy of Entourage
07/26 When To Pull Out
07/31 James Franco?
08/02 What Women Do Together In The Bathroom
08/07 Men’s Rights: Panel Discussion featuring Dane Cook & Fred Durst
08/09 Final Exam (Open Book)