My First Fiction Workshop Submission

Mall Over You
by Ryan Markins

Brian saw her across the Neshaminy Mall food court. The only thing hotter than the hot plate of Chinese food at her table was her hot, hot body. Brian liked her breasts the most. They were big. Not Katy Perry big, but still pretty big. And soft-looking. Brian liked how big and soft her breasts looked.
She was eating Lobster Chow Mein, and Brian longed to be the fork that was entering her mouth. He looked down at his own plate and decided that it was his mission to give her his Buddha’s Delight. Only he wasn’t talking about the plate of Buddha’s Delight in front of him. He was talking about the Buddha’s Delight in his underpants.
She had on a Hollister shirt and a nametag: Dana. Brian followed Dana back to Hollister after she finished her lunch. He stared at her from across the store, but she was playing hard to get. Brian began browsing the Paradise Cove Polos as he waited for her to come over and do her job.
“How can I help you?” Dana asked. He could smell the Lobster Chow Mein on her breath.  He wanted her even worse than before.
“Can I buy that shirt on your body?” he asked. “‘Cause I’d love to see you topless.”
She giggled, “That’s such a good line.”
“Do you guys sell condoms here?” he asked.
She didn’t laugh this time. “That’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard,” Dana said. “Do me.”
“No thanks,” he said. Dana looked crushed. “Sike,” Brian finally offered. “Let’s go do it in the dressing rooms.”
“No,” Dana replied. “Not here. I’ll lose my job.”
“You know what I’d rather you lose?” he said. “Your panties.” He picked her up and carried her to the back. Unfortunately, all of the Hollister changing rooms were occupied. That didn’t surprise Brian — Hollister’s brand of preppy coastal clothing appealed to multiple generations of Americans, making it one of the top clothiers in the nation.
Brian put her down, and they set forth to the anti-Hollister: JCPenney. Just as he suspected, the dressing rooms here were entirely empty.
“I’m gonna do you in each of these rooms,” Brian told her.
“I’m the luckiest girl in this entire mall,” Dana answered.
They went to the first room. Brian took off his pants and Dana also removed hers, as is custom in sexual foreplay. She gasped as he put his thing into her thing.
“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” she said. “I don’t even know your name.”
“My name’s Brian,” Brian told her. “But all of my friends call me Ryan. ‘Cause it’s shorter, and a much cooler name than Brian.”
“Oh, Ryan,” she screamed, clearly pleasured more than she had ever been pleasured before. “Your organ is so big. And you use it so well. That is such a rare combination in a man.”
Ryan smiled. She was right. He really knew how to use it. He’d had tons of practice with other girls.  Attractive girls.
By the time they went into their third different dressing room, however, the JCPenney staff came to throw them out.
“We’re really sorry to do this,” the manager said. “You two are really attractive — particularly the male — but our customers are intimidated by how hot you are and how good you are at having sex. Again, the guy is really impressive.  But please leave.”
They got dressed and left the store. Dana was the first to speak, saying, “Wow, that was so satisfying. Thanks for that.”
“We’re not done,” Ryan told her. “I typically have sex about 17 times per day.”
“OK, whatever you want,” Dana said. “By the way, I really like your Coldplay shirt. They’re my favorite band!”
“Thanks,” Ryan told her. “I love them as well. It’s not weird that none of my guy friends like them, right?”
“That’s not weird at all,” she answered.
They continued to walk. Ryan was determined to find some place secluded and private. They hung a right after Auntie Anne’s and he took her into the large Family Restroom.
“Welcome to the Sex Palace,” he said.
Dana cooed. “You’re so romantic.”
Ryan unlocked the baby changing table and lifted Dana on top of it. He announced, “I shall now begin the portion of our lovemaking that involves only my fingers.”
“You don’t have to do that,” she said. “I don’t even have a clitoris. Most women are like that, actually.”
That was all the better for Ryan. He was ready to resume genital mashing when she pulled him close and whispered, “I love you and will do anything for you, my king.”
“I love butt stuff,” he offered.
She nodded, and he thus attached his unit to her heiny. They both confirmed that it was good.
When that was done, Dana said, “Let’s make a 69.” So they made one, and it doesn’t need to be explained here, because everyone knows what it looks like and how it works. When it was done, Dana said it was the best 69 she ever had.
After about the 13th or 14th time they had sex, Dana panicked and told Ryan she was upset because they’d forgot to use a condom so many times.
“I can’t use condoms,” Ryan said. “I don’t fit in them.”
“What about those super big ones?” she asked.
“Not even those,” Ryan admitted. “But don’t worry. You won’t get pregnant. I’m circumcised.”
They both laughed heartily, as they were relieved. They bonked for a 15th time.
“The next time we do this,” Ryan began, “You should bring one of your hot girlfriends, like Kelly.”
“Aren’t you in a writing workshop with Kelly?” Dana asked.
“Yes,” Ryan answered.
“I’d love to do that!” she exclaimed. “I’m sure Kelly would enjoy having sex with someone so learned in the carnal arts.”
When they had intercourse for the 17th and final time, they decided to rest on the bathroom floor. Ryan took out his cool electronic cigarette and puffed on it. “That thing is so cool,” Dana told him. “It’s like the iPhone of cigarettes.” Ryan nodded.
As he puffed and fantasized about his classmate Kelly McFadden, Dana went through his backpack and began reading his novel, which he always carried with him in case he ran into an agent. Dana devoured it even quicker than she had devoured that Lobster Chow Mein earlier.
“This is so good,” she gushed. “You’re even better at writing than you are at having sex with me.”
“Thanks,” Ryan told her. “I’m glad you like it. If anyone didn’t like my writing, I’d probably kill myself.”


Welcome, Splitsider Readers!

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Our SNL Writing Packet

Dear Lorne Michaels,

I’m contacting you on behalf of myself and my collaborator Nick Klinger. We’re interested in joining the Saturday Night Live writing staff, and we were told the best way to be considered was to send you a sample of something that might appear on the show. That piece is below. We hope you like it!

John & Nick

Sample Monologue

[hilarious cold opening sketch, ending with “LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”]

[opening credits]

[hosts descend stairs together to massive applause]

John Carroll: Thank you!

Nick Klinger: Yes, thank you!

John: Wow! You’re still going!

Nick: Please! Stop! You’re cutting into our hosting time!

[John and Nick laugh, pat each other on back, causing crowd to applaud louder]

John: Let me tell you, it’s an absolute honor to be here tonight with my friend and collaborator, Nick Klinger.

Nick: Right back at you, John.

John: As some of you may know, we’re originally from Philadelphia…

[crowd cheers]

Nick: …and we’re two WILD and CRAZY guys!

[John and Nick pause, letting laughter wash over the studio]

John: You probably met us through our hit TV series, Fellas & Their Ladies, but I actually know Nick from way back in high school.

Nick: That’s right, John. In fact, a lot of famous people graduated from our high school.

John: It’s too bad none of them could be here tonight, huh Nick?

[Jon Hamm walks on stage, waves to crowd]

John: What a surprise!

Nick: You’re one MAD MAN, Jon.

[crowd laughs, Jon Hamm exits stage right]

John: But seriously folks, it’s time to get down to hosting. I have a few things to get off my chest tonight.

Nick: Like that shirt?

John: No, Nick. I have some THOUGHTS to get off my chest. And there’s no better way to do that … than through song.

[crowd cheers, lights dim, spotlights on hosts]

NOTE TO WRITING STAFF: Please write a funny song, about 2 minutes in length, that we can perform here. Would prefer something uptempo and melodic. NO HIP HOP. See if The Lonely Island is available.

[background dancers perform during song; blonde, preferably]

[Neil Young appears as guest guitarist]

[crowd gives a standing ovation at end of song]

John: Wow, that was a great song, Nick.

Nick: Indeed it was. And, folks, if you liked it, you can buy it tomorrow morning on iTunes.

John: That’s a first!

Nick: Sure is!

John: We can’t leave this stage without mentioning why we’re here, can we?

Nick: We’re here promoting our new film, Holdin’ It Two-gether, the fourth entry in our popular Holdin’ series.

John: You know them well — Holdin’ It Down, What You Holdin’? and Holdin’ It Together.

Nick: Now HOLD ON, John, we’re not here to promote four movies.

John: We aren’t?

Nick: Nope. We’re promoting Holdin’ It Two-gether, not Holdin’ It Down or What You Holdin’? or Holdin’ It Together.

John: I’ll take your word for it, buddy.

Nick: Anyways, we’d be remiss if we didn’t invite the series star to join us on stage. Jamie Foxx, get your black ass out here!

[Kenan Thompson walks on stage dressed as Jamie Foxx]

Kenan: Hey, I’m Jamie Foxx.

[crowd laughs, Kenan exits stage right]

John: How does that guy not have an Oscar?

Nick: I don’t know, John.

John: We’re starting to get the wrap-up signal, Nick.  Anything left you’ve got to say?

Nick: Not at all, John. Just want to dedicate my performance tonight to my girlfriend, Sofia Vergara.

John: How sweet. I better shout-out the ‘ol ball and chain, too, huh?

Nick: Of course. Need to keep things good at home, JC. Isn’t she in the audience tonight?

John: She sure is.

[camera pans to Michelle Obama; crowd cheers]

Nick: All right, we have a great show for you tonight!

John: Pavement is here! Stay tuned! We’ll be right back!


An Oral History of the GHOSTBUSTERS 2 Poster

Ghostbusters II was released in June of 1989. The highly-anticipated sequel didn’t need much promotion, but that didn’t stop the perfectionists at Columbia Pictures from spending months agonizing over how to re-introduce the Ghostbusters to America. The process has become the stuff of Hollywood lore, so we decided to approach the key figures involved in creating the Ghostbusters II poster and have them narrate the complex and intriguing creative process.

Michael Ramsey (Head of Public Relations, Columbia Pictures)
I think we were all intimidated to follow-up the first film’s poster. What an iconic image: that Ghostbusting logo over the black background. Every kid wanted that thing hanging in their bedroom. Then my boss comes and tells me, “Hey Mike, we’re making another one.” I wanted to say to him, “I can’t wait to see it… but I can wait to design the poster!”

Donald Beaks (President, Columbia Pictures)
I remember Mikey started sweating when I told him about Ghostbusters II. He didn’t think it could be done. He even floated the idea that we just not do a poster. I remember telling him: “Hey Mikey, you’re crazy, you know that?”

Ivan Reitman (Director, Ghostbusters II)
I didn’t see what the big deal was. It was just a poster.

Steven Wright (Public Relations Artist, Columbia Pictures)
I was chomping at the bit to do the art for that poster. I saw what the first one did for everyone’s careers and I thought: I gotta get me a piece of that. I started drawing immediately. My first idea revolved around the guys trying to trap Casper, but I later learned we didn’t have the rights to that property. It’s too bad. That would have been a lot of fun to draw.

F. Domonic Johnson (Public Relations Photographer, Columbia Pictures)
There was a lot of jockeying for that poster. The artists wanted to draw it. The photographers wanted to shoot it. There was some bad blood around that time, that’s for sure. I bet there are still some hard feelings today.

Steven Wright
Dom Johnson is a prick. An absolute prick. We always called him Fuck Dom Johnson behind his back.

F. Domonic Johnson
Steven Wright? I don’t recall the name.

Michael Ramsey
The tagline was our first big breakthrough. I thought to myself: “Well, they saved the world in the first one, and they’ll probably do it again in the second.” That’s how we came up with the tagline, “Guess who’s coming to save the world again.” ‘Cause everyone knew the answer: it’s the Ghostbusters who are coming to do that.

Donald Beaks
I remember Mike had this crazy idea that we’d just run a black poster with the tagline on the bottom. It was absolutely nuts. I was worried that this poster would end his career.

Bill Murray (Actor, Ghostbusters II; Golf Enthusiast)
Wes is a great director, and a close friend. I remember when we started shooting on Tenenbaums, he told me that the secret to moviemaking is to keep mayonnaise off of the catering trucks. And you know what: he was right.

Mike Ramsey
We had a lot of crazy ideas. I don’t even know if I should share all of them. Some of these guys still have to work in this town.

Steven Wright
I had this idea where I’d do a really sparse drawing of the Ghostbusters themselves, then we’d attach a box of crayons to every poster so kids could color them in. We actually did a test run in LA. But they just became more territory for gangs to claim, so we scrapped the whole thing.

Donald Beaks
Mikey had this nutso idea about creating posters entirely out of water. I mean, we were in so deep I couldn’t tell at the time if he was insane or brilliant. I still think about that poster idea sometimes. I bet it’ll happen one day. I always thought Titanic should’ve tried it.

Dan Aykroyd (Vodka Distiller, Crystal Head Vodka)
I’m only going to do the oral history if there’s a plug for my Crystal Head Vodka in the piece that runs. Are you willing to commit to that?

Bill Murray
Do I regret doing Space Jam? No, not at all. How many people can say they acted alongside Michael Jordan?

Ivan Reitman
I don’t know what was going on back then. I just remember it being less than a month from release and realizing: we don’t have a poster.

Michael Ramsey
We were definitely cutting it close. I mean, I had people in my ear telling me: this movie is a guaranteed success. People just need to know it exists. And we were failing even that low standard. I can’t believe we all kept our jobs.

Donald Beaks
I don’t know if I ever told Mikey this, but we dummied up a rush poster in case he failed us. It was just the original with a big ‘2’ slapped over it. We had an initial print run done and everything. I think we eventually sent them to kids in Ethiopia.

Michael Ramsey
The big breakthrough came for me at an ADR session. I was allowed to sit in, because I was just looking for inspiration anywhere I could find it. And, y’know, I didn’t get it ‘til the end. It was all from Ernie Hudson.

Ernie Hudson (Voice Actor, Ghostbusters: The Video Game)
Me? I have no idea. I can’t even remember what the poster looks like to tell you the truth.

Michael Ramsey
Ernie had just finished wrapping up his recording. And he was walking out. And we were in the studio where the first Ghostbusters had done some ADR, so there’s a poster on the wall. And Ernie stops in front of it, turns to all of us, and says, “Peace, yo.” And he throws up the peace sign. Right in front of the poster. It just clicked.

Donald Beaks
The rest is history.

Steven Wright
I remember hearing Mike in the halls as he ran toward our office. He kept screaming, “PEACE, YO!”  He had me draw it up immediately. It was perfect.

F. Domonic Johnson
Listen, I’m a photographer. I love photos. I think all film posters should use the very best photography. But even I have to admit that they nailed this one. Nailed it.

Ivan Reitman
I was just happy to have a poster. I don’t know what took them so long.

Rick Moranis (Actor, Ghostbusters II; Canadian)
Sorry, I don’t think I’m going to participate.

Harvey Keitel (Actor, Sister Act)
I wasn’t in Ghostbusters II. But that poster made me wish I was.

Michael Ramsey
I can’t believe what it did for my career. Just really opened me up creatively. I ain’t ‘fraid of no posters, y’know? Haha. I just came up with that.

Donald Beaks
It’s a remarkable triumph in the industry. There’s a reason you’ve heard the story so many times and wanted to piece it together. An unbridled creative triumph. We’ll probably never see something like it again.

Annie Potts (Actress, Ghostbusters & Ghostbusters II)
The poster? Wasn’t it just the same thing as the first movie?

Michael Ramsey
I just wish the movie was better. Really wasted a good poster on it.

Donald Beaks
Oh yeah, the film was a real turd.

Dan Aykroyd
I have fond memories of both the poster and the film. Is that good? Is that all you need? Remember: Crystal Head Vodka. The bottle is shaped like a skull. It’s really cool.

Image Source for “Shrug” Poster: Houston Area Ghostbusters

20 Things Only Gen X Can Understand

We recently had a piece rejected by BuzzFeed, so we thought we’d share it here:

1.  Particle Theory

2.  Season 4 of The Shield

3.  Women

4.  Connie Chung

5.  The afterlife

6.  Why good people do bad things

7. The Philadelphia General Strike of 1910

8. Instant Coffee

9. Smell-O-Vision

10.  Liev Schrieber

11.  Syndicalism

12. Generic cereal

13. Bow ties

14. Sounds only dogs can hear

15. Werther’s Originals

16. Don Rickles

17. Saturn V Rockets

18. Michael Jackson’s Thriller

19. Fish tacos

20. DSW: Designer Shoe Warehouse

Men’s History Syllabus

GNST-140: Gender Studies Seminar
Summer 2013, WF 4:45 – 5:45
Professor Tucker Max (

Men’s History
Reclaiming The World From Feminists And Cockblockers

“Don’t blame me for the wound in your crotch.” — Tucker Max, distinguished author

I am honored to introduce the latest course offering in the O’Brien University Gender Studies Department: Men’s History. For too long, this overlooked and important topic has been excluded from the academy. I hope this course is just the beginning of a revolution, in which we re-introduce the world’s newest minority, men, to a setting that has long ostracized it.

But don’t worry: this won’t be some dry, boring look at old stuff. This course will be a survey of all things man: for the first time ever, we will dive deep into this complex, extraordinary creature.

Course Texts
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max
Assholes Finish First by Tucker Max
In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks by Adam Carolla
Tommyland by Tommy Lee
How To Make Love Like A Porn Star by Jenna Jameson

Major Essays: 40%
Final Exam: 25%
Class Hookups: $15
Attitude: 20%
Appearance: 10%
Participation: Whatever

Major Essays
Personal: For this personal essay, please describe when you lost your virginity. Include concrete narrative details like date, location, age, and cup size. I have made this the first assignment so that virgins have the option of dropping the course.
Compare and Contrast: For your second essay, please analyze the pros and cons of using roofies versus natural charm to bed your date. Be sure to weave in your own examples for each side, as well as contact information so that I may verify your stories.
Research: In this final essay, you will use academic research to answer the age-old question, “Are women funny?” If you answer “No,” be sure to include examples of women who are not funny (e.g. Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, etc.). If you answer “Yes,” good luck.

Late Work Policy
If you’re late, you need to take a test. If you pass the test, you need to get an abortion. If you don’t understand this, get out of my classroom.

Course Calendar
Here is the lecture schedule. It is subject to change:

06/05   Class Introduction Icebreakers: Your favorite Tucker Max book?
06/07   A Brief History of Great Accomplishments by Men
06/12   The Penis Is Mightier
06/14   Has A Woman Ever Been To Space?
06/19   Film Screening: Boondock Saints
06/21   Fat Chicks: What’s Up With Them?
06/26   How A Tampon Works
06/28   The Holocaust
07/03   What I Like About Mormonism
07/05   Men Can Be Raped Too
07/10   Lena Dunham: American Terrorist
07/12   Threesomes (I’ve Had One)
07/17   Guest lecture by Joseph Francis (creator, Girls Gone Wild)
07/19   How Young Is Too Young?
07/24   The Philosophy of Entourage
07/26   When To Pull Out
07/31   James Franco?
08/02   What Women Do Together In The Bathroom
08/07   Men’s Rights: Panel Discussion featuring Dane Cook & Fred Durst
08/09   Final Exam (Open Book)