Interoffice Memo

August 5, 2013

To: All Departments

From: Daniel Pongonis (Director, Human Resources, Ext. 8369)

Subject: Office Upkeep

In light of several recent complaints and issues around the building, I am writing from the office of Human Resources to remind you of your duties and responsibilities to this company and to each other:

1.  Coffee filters are disposable products. You cannot and should not reuse them throughout the day. This renders the coffee disgusting, and does no good for the long-term maintenance of the Technivorm Moccamaster KBT-741 machine I so generously donated to the office last Fall. If there’s anything you take away from this memo, I hope it’s this: take better care of the coffee machine.

2.  The office supply closet is not your personal Staples (NOTE: I am not showing preference to one particular chain, merely selecting one as an example to use in this point). In the future, if I catch anyone else taking supplies to bring to their homes for personal use, I will have no choice but to fire you immediately. In particular, we are now out of highlighters and will not have them for weeks due to a nationwide highlighter shortage.

3.  Please stop parking in spaces reserved for upper-level employees. For example, I have a reserved spot and frequently find it occupied. Additionally, when I do get the chance to park in my spot, certain pranksters have been letting the air out of my tires and/or cutting my brakes. Please refrain from this as well.

4. State law requires me to note: “Homophobia is a form of discrimination, and will not be tolerated in a workplace setting.” (Yes, no matter how funny some of us may find it.) In other words: Stop calling Jim “Tinker Bell” or “Elton Jim” or “The Anal Assassin.” I think we all know which Jim I’m talking about. If you don’t, meet me in Accounting and I’ll point him out to you.

5.  Finally, I’d like to remind our staff that it is typical, when leaving a company, to provide at least 2 weeks notice of your departure. It is rude and not customary to simply stop showing up for work. Naturally, we’d hate to see (most of) you go, but if you must, please provide us with ample notice.

6.  Speaking of ample, I hope everyone is providing a warm welcome for my new secretary, Janice. We hope she’s with us for a long, long time.

 

Advertisements

PRESS RELEASE: ‘Cheshire Cat’ Reissue

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CARGO MUSIC TO REISSUE BLINK-182’S “CHESHIRE CAT”

BOX SET FEATURING VINYL REMASTER AND NEVER-BEFORE-HEARD TRACKS TO BE RELEASED FEBRUARY 17, 2014

Cargo Music is proud to announce the re-release of Blink-182’s debut studio album Cheshire Cat on February 17, 2014! This unique box set will commemorate the 20th anniversary of the seminal album that began the band’s catapult to punk rock superstardom. The set will feature complex remasters of famous album cuts like “Does My Breath Smell?,” “Toast and Bananas,” “TV” and “Ben Wah Balls.” In addition, the box set includes a new second disc of B-sides and outtakes, a third disc featuring re-recorded drums by Travis Barker, and a fourth disc with album-long commentary by the band members themselves. For audio purists, the set also includes the remastered Cheshire Cat on 169-gram vinyl, as specified and supervised by Mark Hoppus.

The deluxe package also includes must-have flourishes for diehard fans, like DeLonge family photos, a leatherbound copy of Travis Barker’s unfinished novel, and the unaired pilot episode for Mark Hoppus’s TV show Hoppus on Music.

In addition to the deluxe box set, Cargo Music is pleased to announce that it will be re-releasing each of the album’s tracks as a single, with a new one available weekly on iTunes and 7-inch vinyl. Cargo Music will be coordinating a street team campaign to bring these classic tracks back to the top of radio charts across the nation.

To promote the reissue, Blink-182 will be touring behind Cheshire Cat once again. They will play the album in its entirety each night on a 22-date tour across the country, beginning in Lawrence, Kansas and ending in Ocala, Florida. The band sacrificed its usual arena-level fees to offer up their beloved album to an intimate group of fans each night. Mark Hoppus explains, “This is the way Cheshire Cat was meant to be heard.”

In the months and weeks before its release, Cargo Music will celebrate the band and the album by releasing bi-weekly podcast interviews with the band’s punk contemporaries and mentees, who will discuss the impact that Cheshire Cat had on them, their music and their lives. Musicians slated to appear include Billie Joe Armstrong, Marky Ramone, Iggy Pop, Henry Rollins and David Byrne.

###

For more information, please contact:
Patrick O’Brien — Promohthree Media
(215) 639-2102
pob@promohthreemedia.com

The Pitch: Back to the Future 4

Logline
Back to the Future 1 and Back to the Future 2 meet Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure in this revolutionary reboot of the Back to the Future franchise that promises to pay its respects to the original films while burning an exciting path for a new trilogy.

Synopsis
Michael J. Fox Jr. may be the son of Michael J. Fox, but he’s otherwise just a run of the mill kid. Until one day when he meets Doc Cassandra Brown Jr., a crazed but brilliant female professor at the Hill Valley campus of Harvard University. Cassandra shows Michael her latest invention: a time-traveling car inspired by the original Back to the Future film. Only this time, instead of a dumpy old Delorean, Cassandra has based her machine on a sexy new Nissan Leaf, which will be a prime corporate tie-in for us. Imagine the advertisements! “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads … or gasoline!”

On the night that Cassandra plans to test her new time-traveling vehicle with Michael, they are chased and attacked by a rabid group of oil lobbyists intent on destroying the gas-free, dimension-busting vehicle. In a rush, Cassandra and Michael Jr. flee through time by traveling back to … 1985. Coincidentally, they arrive just as the original Back to the Future is set to debut in theaters. Cassandra wants to return to the present immediately, but there’s one problem: they don’t have any compatible places at which to charge their eco-friendly electric car (This will give a good laugh for gas guzzlers. Appeals to all audiences!). Michael Jr. and Cassandra set out for Hollywood, convinced that meeting Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd will help them return to the present day. Michael Jr. also conceals secret plans to warn his father about his impending Parkinson’s. (This is the emotional undercurrent of the film.)

The duo crosses the country quickly. We’ll just do a road trip montage: Michael Jr. buys a puffy vest, Cassandra buys a white coat, they drive a yellow van in a Little Miss Sunshine homage, they also consume a lot of popular ‘80s products like Simon’s Quest and Pepsi Free, but continually note how modern day products like Nintendo 3DS and Diet Cherry Pepsi are better *and* cooler (should appease our corporate partners).

When they arrive in Hollywood, Cassandra and Michael Jr. can’t get close to Christopher and Michael Sr. But they do find Back to the Future actor Tom Wilson at a comedy club in Los Angeles. They enlist his help, but little do they know that Tom doesn’t just play a villain in the original movies. He’s a villain in real life too! Tom pretends to help them, but he’s out for his own gains: to become a bigger star than Michael J. Fox by infecting him with the deadly Parkinson’s disease.

Cassandra and Michael Jr. believe they’re on the verge of making it back home, and go out to celebrate. This leads to a fun montage where they visit a nightclub and consume many drinks. They end up at a karaoke bar, where they sing “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News (aside: we should pay OK GO to record a cover of the song to play over the credits). After this, Michael Jr. and Cassandra retire to their hotel room, where they make love for the first time. This is shot very tastefully.

Michael Jr. and Cassandra oversleep the next morning, and miss out on their meeting with Tom (and the excellent continental breakfast at the Holiday Inn Express, which they will lament missing if Holiday Inn Express pays us). Little do they know that Tom was waiting in the alley behind Mann’s Chinese Theater, where he was planning to kill the duo. When Tom realizes they aren’t showing up, he angrily kicks a nearby manure truck, which unlatches the back door and covers him in horse shit (callback!).

When our heroes arrive at the premiere, everyone mistakes Michael Jr. for his father and ushers him through. This leads to a funny sequence of events where Michael Jr. misquotes the movie in a weak impersonation of his famous father (example: “This is hefty”). He references roles that haven’t even been made yet (example: he talks about how much he loved working with Zach Braff on Scrubs). No one figures out the ruse until Michael J. Fox Sr. arrives. While security tries to capture Michael Jr., we see Tom Wilson sprinkling a bottle labelled PARKINSONS onto a tub of popcorn, which he tries to get Michael Sr. to eat. Cassandra distracts Michael Sr. and Tom Wilson, allowing Michael Jr. to swat the popcorn out of their hands.

Michael Jr. reveals what Tom Wilson has done. The police arrest Tom. Michael Jr. explains everything about the future to his father in an emotionally charged and riveting monologue — the type that typically garners the writer and actor an Oscar. Michael thanks his future son, but then bends to the floor and eats some of the popcorn that has fallen there. Michael Jr. is crushed and confused, but Michael explains: “I don’t want to change a thing. Because you turned out to be such a good son.” This is incredibly powerful. The audience will be weeping.

The film wraps up with Michael, Michael Jr., Cassandra and Christopher Lloyd at Michael’s mansion in Hollywood. Christopher reveals that he was chosen to play Doc Brown because he’s actually a really good scientist. He fixes everything, and since it’s the end of the movie we don’t need to get into too many specifics. Michael Jr. and Cassandra get into the car and begin driving off, but they don’t notice that the car is still plugged in! Michael and Christopher give chase, each grabbing onto the plug and the car, and are wrapped up in its teleportation field. Obviously, this affects the mechanics of time travel, and the quartet doesn’t find themselves back in 2013, but in an alternate 2015. They land in front of a giant billboard … for Back to the Future 5!

Pitch for that coming soon. The end.

Regards,
Michael J. Fox, Jr.

P.S. My temporary advisors at LegalZoom.com have asked me to note that while my name and the details of this movie pitch may suggest I am the son of Back to the Future star Michael J. Fox, I am actually not. Still, I don’t think that precludes me from taking on the part of Michael J. Fox Jr., as it’s literally the role I was born to play.

 

My Parents’ iTunes

We asked 15-year-old Chase Ramsey to open up his parents’ iTunes and put the entire library on shuffle. He wrote about the first five songs he heard:

 

1.  “The Great Wall of China” by Billy Joel
My parents probably think this is inspiring. Has Billy Joel ever actually been to China? This song may have been written at a Panda Express. Needs more gongs. Oh my God, is that a guitar solo? Can I skip tracks once I get the point? Is it plagiarism to steal lines from a nursery rhyme? I’m honestly asking. Should’ve named this “Song In Search Of An Outro.”

 

2.  “Elk Hunt” by Trevor Jones from The Last of the Mohicans soundtrack
I initially thought this was a Spotify ad. My parents love this movie. It’s very epic? I don’t even know what a Mohican is. A candy bar? Is it a shoe? My dad likes to listen to this while he’s driving. It’s still better than “The Great Wall of China.” Ugh, do you think my parents bang to this?

 

 

3.  “GodWhacker” by Steely Dan
Yikes, my parents definitely bang to this. If I can’t skip ahead, can I at least turn off my subwoofer? They’re playing like they think the song is over and they’re waiting for the next track to start. Holy shit, do my parents smoke pot? That would be the only redeeming thing about this song. Wait, I think it’s sadder if they don’t smoke pot 😦

 

 

4.  Voice memo from September 11, 2010
This is my dad dictating a reminder for himself: wants to research bidets, wonders if they really clean well. I don’t know what a bidet is. Hold on. Researching. Ugh. They totally have one of these.

 

 

5.  “King of Tonga” by Art Garfunkel
Who’s Art Garfunkel? This doesn’t even sound like real music. I think I just heard a stray accordion. I understand that I have to play the whole song, but is it OK if I walk away from the computer? I think they used every instrument lying around the studio. They began fading out with a minute left. This is excruciating. This is grosser than the bidet.

The Breaking Bad Potluck

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
Hey guys,

BREAKING BAD IS BACK THIS SUNDAY! That means it’s time for our weekly potluck!  You know the drill: this is a roll call. Let me know what you’re bringing. Can’t wait to see you guys this weekend!!!

xoxo,
Lucy

Richard Larason <richandtinalarason@verizon.com>
Tina and I will make the guac as usual 🙂 Please tell me that Dom is bringing fish tacos!!!

Ellen Burgess <ellen.burgess@temple.edu>
I’ll bring the whiskey. We don’t need anything else.

Steve Bowes <sbow137@aol.com>
Two for one deal on Bagel Bites at Giant! I’ll bring 4 boxes!

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
I’ll bring the meth!

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
Too funny, Pat 🙂 I’ll bring some soda: Dr. Pepper & Mountain Dew, most likely. Speak up if you want anything else!

Ellen Burgess <ellen.burgess@temple.edu>
LOL, Pat! Or should we call you Heisenberg? LMAO!

Richard Larason <richandtinalarason@verizon.com>
If POB’s bringing the methamphetamine, I’ll bring the bug bomb tent 😉

Steve Bowes <sbow137@aol.com>
You guys are too funny. Richard and Pat, you two should be a comedy duo 😀

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
Why do you guys think I’m kidding?

Tara Mahoney <tmahoney@philadelphia.gov>
LOL Pat you’re such a card. Sorry I’m late to the email party. I’ll bring Doritos.

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
Since Pat wants to get a buzz on, I’ll scrap the soda and bring some Miller Lite. Or should I call it Schraderbraü? 😛

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
Listen, I don’t know how I can make this any plainer: I met a guy who sells meth under the Market-Frankford. I can buy a teenth for Sunday. I can think of no finer way to kick off the last season.

Steve Bowes <sbow137@aol.com>
ROFLMAO

Ellen Burgess <ellen.burgess@temple.edu>
You take the Market-Frankford too??? Why don’t we ride together?????

Tara Mahoney <tmahoney@philadelphia.gov>
Okay, Pat, joke’s getting old. We don’t have any greens yet. Can you bring a veggie tray?

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
I was going to surprise you guys, but to calm Pat down: I’m making my own meth!  A.K.A. Blue Rock Candy!!!

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
You mean to tell me that none of you guys ever watch this show and wonder what it would be like to try the crystal?

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
I just called Pat to see if he’d been hacked. He sounds serious, you guys.

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
Patrick!!!!! My dad’s a security guard. You can’t seriously want to bring meth into my home.

Richard Larason <richandtinalarason@verizon.com>
You guys, they’re messing with us. Just ignore them. Hey Dom: where are you? What’s the status of those fish tacos?

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
Seriously, Pat REALLY wants to try it. He just texted me a photo of his new pipe.

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
I’ve already tried it, so it’s a used pipe. I want you guys to join me on peanut butter jelly time. :~~~~P

Ellen Burgess <ellen.burgess@temple.edu>
You know what? Fuck it, I’m in. Let’s do this.

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
ELLEN: NO. NO. NO. Anyone doing meth is uninvited.

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
So, wait, is this really happening then? Pat?

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
Hey guys, I’d like to invite everyone over to my place on Sunday night for a Meth Potluck. I’ll supply the meth. You guys supply your noses.

Ellen Burgess <ellen.burgess@temple.edu>
Wait, are we snorting? I think I want to smoke it my first time.

Steve Bowes <sbow137@aol.com>
Sorry, guys. I’m sticking with Lucy’s party. I’m already addicted to something … Richard’s guacamole!

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
GOOD. I’m glad Pat and Ellen are having their own potluck. Feel free to come over when you COME TO YOUR SENSES!!!

Tara Mahoney <tmahoney@philadelphia.gov>
I wanted to see everyone 😦 Is there any way Pat and Ellen can come over before they do meth, then leave when they need to get high???

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
I just googled how to smoke meth. Pat, do you have a needle and a syringe? I think I’d like to try “slamming” it, as they say.

Ellen Burgess <ellen.burgess@temple.edu>
Where’d you read about that? I probably need to do some research too.

Richard Larason <richandtinalarason@verizon.com>
We’re going to Pat’s party! I know it’s crazy but I think I need to see this for myself.

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
Ellen: just go to http://www.tweaker.org. Super helpful.

Steve Bowes <sbow137@aol.com>
RICHARD!!! Are you bringing guac to Pat’s?

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
OMG YOU GUYS! WHAT THE HELL!?!!!?

Richard Larason <richandtinalarason@verizon.com>
Steve: If it’s OK with Pat, then yes.

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
I bet guac tastes even better when you’re flailing on shards.

Steve Bowes <sbow137@aol.com>
OK, I’ll go to where the guac is. Sorry, Lucy.

Tara Mahoney <tmahoney@philadelphia.gov>
I think that’s everyone? OK, I’ll go to Pat’s. You could come too, Lucy.

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
GUYS THIS IS PEER PRESSURE THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY TOLD US NOT TO DO IN SCHOOL

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
Lucy, you’re not invited. You’ll be too much of a drag, yo.

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
AM I SUPPOSED TO WATCH BREAKING BAD ALONE?

Dom Johnson <fatdom@aol.com>
Hey guys, sorry I’m late to the party. Do I still need to bring fish tacos to Pat’s, or are we good?