We asked 15-year-old Chase Ramsey to open up his parents’ iTunes and put the entire library on shuffle. He wrote about the first five songs he heard:
1. “The Great Wall of China” by Billy Joel
My parents probably think this is inspiring. Has Billy Joel ever actually been to China? This song may have been written at a Panda Express. Needs more gongs. Oh my God, is that a guitar solo? Can I skip tracks once I get the point? Is it plagiarism to steal lines from a nursery rhyme? I’m honestly asking. Should’ve named this “Song In Search Of An Outro.”
2. “Elk Hunt” by Trevor Jones from The Last of the Mohicans soundtrack
I initially thought this was a Spotify ad. My parents love this movie. It’s very epic? I don’t even know what a Mohican is. A candy bar? Is it a shoe? My dad likes to listen to this while he’s driving. It’s still better than “The Great Wall of China.” Ugh, do you think my parents bang to this?
3. “GodWhacker” by Steely Dan
Yikes, my parents definitely bang to this. If I can’t skip ahead, can I at least turn off my subwoofer? They’re playing like they think the song is over and they’re waiting for the next track to start. Holy shit, do my parents smoke pot? That would be the only redeeming thing about this song. Wait, I think it’s sadder if they don’t smoke pot 😦
4. Voice memo from September 11, 2010
This is my dad dictating a reminder for himself: wants to research bidets, wonders if they really clean well. I don’t know what a bidet is. Hold on. Researching. Ugh. They totally have one of these.
5. “King of Tonga” by Art Garfunkel
Who’s Art Garfunkel? This doesn’t even sound like real music. I think I just heard a stray accordion. I understand that I have to play the whole song, but is it OK if I walk away from the computer? I think they used every instrument lying around the studio. They began fading out with a minute left. This is excruciating. This is grosser than the bidet.