Grand Theft Auto V: Breaking Bad

Albuquerque: a sprawling sun-soaked desert full of soccer moms and meth heads, once the envy of Mexico City, now struggling to stay afloat in an era of economic uncertainty and cheap fried chicken.

Amidst the turmoil, three very different family members plot their own chances of survival and success: Walter, a science teacher turned drug lord; Skyler, the drug lord’s wife who dreams of getting him out of the game and into her car wash empire; and Hank, the beer-loving DEA agent intent on bringing them both down. Running out of options, these three characters risk everything in a series of daring and dangerous events that could end their lives.

The biggest, most dynamic and most diverse open world ever created, Grand Theft Auto V: Breaking Bad blends storytelling and gameplay in new ways as players repeatedly jump in and out of the lives of the game’s three lead characters, playing all sides of the game’s interwoven story. In addition, players will be afforded the occasional opportunity to take control of beloved side characters from the hit TV series, like meth cook protege Jesse Pinkman, scumbag lawyer Saul Goodman, actor DJ Qualls, teenage douchebag Walt Jr., that guy who got his throat slit, bald hitman Mike Ehrmantraut, fried chicken impresario Gustavo Fring, Saul’s fat security guard, purple person Marie Schrader, Jesse’s Dead Girlfriend*, all-around creepy guy Todd, Doug from Flight of the Conchords, Hank’s partner Steve Gomez and Bill Burr. That prostitute who had her own blowjob montage will be available as downloadable content on January 1.

All the classic hallmarks of the groundbreaking series return, including incredible attention to detail and Grand Theft Auto and Breaking Bad’s darkly humorous take on the drug trade, alongside a brand new and ambitious approach to open world multiplayer. In Grand Theft Auto V: Breaking Bad, players will be able to involve themselves in the game world more than ever before:

  • Attend Walt’s chemotherapy treatments.
  • Help Skyler manage the car wash business.
  • Replace the White household’s water heater.
  • Embark on 24-hour methamphetamine cooks in real time.
  • Breastfeed Skyler’s baby.
  • Re-enact Marie and Hank’s handjob competition.
  • Gas up Walt and Jesse’s RV.
  • Keep the books for Ted Beneke before taking over your own car wash.
  • Have sex with Ted Beneke before taking over your own car wash.
  • Poison children.
  • Use Walt’s beige Aztek to mow down competing drug dealers.
  • Teach Hank to walk again in dozens of physical therapy sessions.
  • Launder your own drug money (includes opportunity to buy other famous Breaking Bad locations, like the nail salon or laser tag arcade).
  • Manage Hank’s mineral collection.
  • Attend open houses as Marie and steal items without being detected.
  • See if you too have what it takes to shoot Gale Boetticher in the head.
  • Attend Jesse’s group rehab sessions and talk about your feelings.
  • Get high with non-playable characters like Badger and Skinny Pete.

Developed by series creators Rockstar North, in cooperation with AMC, Grand Theft Auto V: Breaking Bad will be available worldwide on December 6 for Xbox 360® and PlayStation®3.

* Spoiler Alert

Mio Fit Pitchmen

During the 2013 Super Bowl, Tracy Morgan introduced the world to Mio Fit, a drink mix that promised to be healthy and energizing when added to water. Many mocked the company’s hiring of the portly Morgan for an allegedly “healthy” product.

JohnAndNick.com recently acquired a memo that lists the pitchmen Mio Fit considered before ultimately landing on Morgan. Here it is, unedited:

MEMO

TO: Richard Larason, CEO
FROM: Hank Verano, Marketing (Talent Relations)
RE: Mio Fit Pitchmen

Mr. Larason:

My team and I would like to submit the below list of potential Mio Fit pitchmen for your consideration. They are ranked from our top targets to our safety picks. With your approval, we will begin approaching their representation immediately.

  • George Clooney
  • Kermit the Frog
  • Sean Penn
  • Scarlet Johansson
  • Jennifer Aniston
  • Thom Yorke
  • Tom Cruise
  • Leslie Knope
  • Katy Perry
  • Julia Roberts
  • Heath Ledger
  • Dr. Phil
  • Michelle Obama
  • Barack Obama
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt
  • Tom Green
  • That Dog from The Artist
  • Wanda Sykes
  • John Stamos
  • Malia Obama
  • Tiger Woods
  • Mel Gibson
  • Nick Lachey
  • Mario Lopez
  • Sarah Palin
  • Dave Coulier
  • Tracy Morgan
  • Molly Shannon
  • Martin Landau
  • Biff Henderson

Best regards,
Hank

The Foundation For A Bothered Life

Last week, we started running a new series of posts where we jokingly claimed that we were being sponsored by Values.com (also known as The Foundation For A Better Life). We were not being sponsored by them, of course, and thought that was clear. Someone disagreed, though, and that someone worked for The Foundation For A Better Life. He seems like a decent fella, so rather than share his name, let’s just call him Donny Values. Here’s what Donny Values had to say about our fake ads:

Hello guys! Just saw your (very funny) values billboards you made. I especially like the Peanuts one. Filthiness (the good mud-kind) should be one of the values on our site.

But… would you please remove the note about us sponsoring you? We don’t sponsor anyone as a rule nor do we accept any donations or advertising money from anyone else. We feel that doing so would compromise the integrity of our ‘just be nice and practice good values’ message.

Also, would you please update your two billboards so they don’t have our logo on them? Again, we don’t want to have others think those are our official billboards. (The “Pass It On” thing is also technically our trademarked thing, so would you pretty-please remove that as well?)

Once we got over the thrill of having a reader who wasn’t in attendance at Mrs. Carroll’s 4th of July BBQ, we translated all of the smiling sentences in Donny’s e-mail and realized this wasn’t a joyous occasion at all! He was trying to change our content! And while we found it ridiculous that anyone would think our months-old comedy site would be sponsored by a foundation like Values.com, we were ready to help Donny out. We consulted our lawyer (Darryl Johnson Esquire, Esq. — yes, his last name is Esquire, don’t bug him about it, he’s really annoyed when people bring it up), asked him what to do, and followed his suggestions. We removed any joking indication that Values.com was sponsoring us, and changed our recreated logo to say “Value.com: The Foundation For Satirical Ads.” We wrote Donny to let him know about this, and figured we had put the issue to bed. We fixed all of the future images and slept peacefully.

But despite our best efforts, we weren’t able to please Donny. He wrote to us the next day:

Thanks for changing those billboards and removing the text about us being a sponsor. We really try to stay clear of affiliations of any kind because most people are (rightfully) cynical about organizations like us that try to do good without asking for something in return.

To be clear, I’m totally not against well-made parody of any of our stuff—I’ve made a few of them myself over the years. One of my personal favorites featured Sam Jackson as Jules Winnfield as the billboard ‘hero’. I made myself chuckle all afternoon with that one. I look forward to seeing the new billboards as you create them… (I saw the new golfer one, but don’t quite get it… but I’m kinda slow in the gettin’ department.)

May I ask one more favor? Can you please change “Pass It On” to something else? That is one of our registered trademarks, so we like to keep that one “official” as well. As a suggestion, maybe use “Toss It Up” (uses the same word shapes), or “Push It On” (sounds like your saying Pass It On while really drunk) or “All Your Pass It On Are Belong To Us”… I dunno, just a few suggestions for alternates.

While we were flattered that Donny wanted to join our creative team, we thought that Carroll ünd Klinger ünd Values was a bit of a tongue-twister.

We’re not thrilled to make even more changes to our images, but it’s rather clear that there’s only one place Donny could have learned to write those grammatically correct sentences and joke about Pulp Fiction: Harvard Law. So we agreed to tweak the ads further. They’ll roll out two times per week, over the next two months. We hope you like them, Donny. Because apparently you’re the only one out there reading.

Campus Alert System

We’re thrilled to announce that we have a piece featured at Defenestration Magazine this month. It’s called “Campus Alert System,” and it’s actually the very first thing we wrote together*. Enjoy.

*Privately, Nick calls this “our ‘Love Me Do,'” since that was the first hit written by Lennon & McCartney. John doesn’t like that song very much, and says it’s “our ‘Twist & Shout.'” Have an opinion? Tweet it to us @johnundnick.

Johan And Nick Dot Com

Dear readers,

Nick Klinger in da (figurative) house! How you krazy kats doing? I’m writing with some good news and bad news. Let’s get the bad news out of the way first: my partner John Carroll is leaving JohnAndNick.com. Major bummer, right? Makes you want to cry a river. We’re all going to miss JC.

Now I’m sure you’re wondering: what’s happening to the site? Carroll ünd Klinger at JohnAndNick.com isn’t going to work without the Carroll and the John. And you’re right: it wouldn’t. JohnAndNick.com is dead. Carroll ünd Klinger is gone forever.

But the spirit of the site remains. I’m thrilled to welcome former Major League Baseball pitcher Johan Santana to our team. As you may know, Johan is a four-time All-Star and two-time Cy Young Award winner. But what you may not know: this dude is downright hilarious. Johan’s like the lovechild of Paula Poundstone and Vince Vaughn. With all due respect to John, Johan makes me laugh ten times harder than John ever did. That’s just a scientific fact.

From now on, our new comedy web site will be called Klinger y Santana.  You can visit us at JohanAndNick.com. Our first piece is now live. It’s called “Aren’t Cars Weird?”  You can view it by clicking here.

Klinger out.