Judge McCormick: Have we all returned from lunch? OK, I’ll have the court reporter read off those present and then we’ll resume.
Court Reporter: Present we have Judge McCormick, Mr. Tony Chapman, and Ms. Grace Smallen.
Judge: Where did we leave off before lunch?
Court Reporter: Mr. Chapman and Ms. Smallen had come to an agreement on the custody of their child, Tammy-Lynn.
Judge: OK. That’s obviously the big one. I’d like to commend you both on being able to settle such an important matter so amicably, as well as without representation. Do we have anything else to settle?
Tony Chapman: Yes, your honor. I’d like to petition the court for custody of all of Tammy-Lynn’s social media accounts.
Grace Smallen: No chance in hell, Tony.
Judge: Excuse me, what are the terms of this disagreement?
Smallen: Your honor, my husband is trying to take over the social media accounts we established for my daughter when she was born about 2 years ago.
Chapman: I think I’ve been a much better proprietor of those accounts than my wife.
Smallen: But we agreed that I would have primary custody, Tony. It makes sense that I would then control the accounts. It’s a package deal.
Judge: Surely this is a minor matter in the–
Chapman: You’re a terrible Facebook poster, Grace. And don’t get me started on Twitter.
Judge: Excuse me, excuse me. Please don’t talk over me again, Mr. Chapman.
Chapman: I’m sorry, your honor. I’m just very passionate about this matter.
Judge: This is definitely the issue that you both want to address right now?
Chapman: Yes, your honor.
Judge: OK. Mr. Chapman, please present your argument for why you wish to control these accounts.
Chapman: Your honor, I’m a prolific user of social media. I have accounts on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, YouTube, Foursquare, MySpace, Friendster, Instagram, Vine, Reddit, Buzzfeed, and the IMDB Message Boards. I’m a bit of an Internet whiz, and I’m sure that’s part of the reason I’m here today.
Smallen: It is. He never took his face out of his phone. It’s why I wanted sole custody of Tammy-Lynn.
Chapman: But your honor, I’d argue that these precise deficiencies as a father are what qualify me to be the supervisor of Tammy-Lynn’s social media accounts. Can I present a bit of evidence?
Judge: Um, sure. What do you have?
Chapman: Shall I approach the bench?
Judge: Why don’t you just tell me about it?
[MR. CHAPMAN APPROACHES THE BENCH]
Chapman: I have here a printout of the landing page for a YouTube video called “Baby Burps-A-Lot.” Grace, would you agree that the baby in the frame is our child, Tammy-Lynn?
Judge: Mr. Chapman, this is not an interrogation. Just tell me why this piece of paper is relevant to these proceedings.
Chapman: OK, well, this video is of my daughter Tammy-Lynn. Note that it has 56,000 YouTube views, by far the most either of us have achieved when uploading videos of Tammy-Lynn to YouTube.
Smallen: I’ve never even uploaded a video to YouTube, Tony.
Chapman: Exactly, Grace! How can you be trusted to properly manage our child’s online brand when you can’t even be bothered to visit YouTube.com, the world’s leading internet video site?
Judge: OK, Mr. Chapman, congratulations on your success. Can we move on?
Chapman: May I present another piece of evidence, your honor?
Judge: If you must.
Chapman: May I approach the bench again?
Judge: Mr. Chapman, please just–
[MR. CHAPMAN APPROACHES THE BENCH]
Chapman: I have in my hands a packet of material related to Tammy-Lynn’s Twitter account. Her handle there, if you’d like to follow her, is @TammyLynn69.
Judge: What? Why is that–
Smallen: She was born on June 9th, your honor.
Judge: I see.
Chapman: Your honor, Tammy-Lynn had been on Twitter for 7 months when I realized how June 9th could be interpreted by certain sickos. She’d gained 24 followers. I wasn’t about to lose those followers by creating a new account.
Smallen: They’re mostly family and friends and spam accounts, Tony. Nothing would have changed.
Chapman: DON’T TELL ME HOW TO USE TWITTER, YOU MONSTER!
[JUDGE BANGS GAVEL]
Judge: That’s enough. You need to settle down, Mr. Chapman. What else is in this packet of evidence? Who is @ByTheGraceOfGod78?
Chapman: That is my wife’s Twitter account, your honor.
Judge: Why am I looking at a printout of it?
Chapman: Look at the top half of the page, please. Do you mind sharing with the court how many followers my wife has?
Judge: Mr. Chapman, please don’t question like me I’m on the witness stand. That’s incredibly disrespectful.
Chapman: I’m sorry, sir. But do you see the number?
Judge: I do.
Chapman: Would you mind saying it out loud?
Judge: Do I need to repeat myself?
Chapman: Doesn’t the court reporter need to hear it?
Court Reporter: It would be good to have for the record, your honor.
Judge: Fine. Three.
Chapman: I’m not sure if the Judge uses Twitter, but if he doesn’t, I’ll note for the court that three followers is pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.
Smallen: You made me sign up, Tony! I never wanted to use it in the first place!
Chapman: Exactly, Grace! You keep falling right into my traps. How can you be expected to manage Tammy-Lynn’s Twitter account when you yourself ignore your own Twitter account?
Judge: Excuse me, but can I just ask why there’s an argument over this matter if one of you cares deeply for the accounts and the other doesn’t?
Smallen: Your honor, I don’t think it’s necessary for the world to know when my daughter takes a step, or when she says her first word, or when she passes gas, or when–
Chapman: THAT FART VIDEO GOT OVER 30,000 VIEWS, GODDAMMIT!
[JUDGE BANGS GAVEL]
Judge: Enough, Mr. Chapman. Please excuse yourself from my courtroom while I talk with Ms. Smallen.
Chapman: But Judge, I–
Judge: Did I stutter? Please leave.
[MR. CHAPMAN BEGINS TO APPROACH THE BENCH]
Judge: NOW! I’ll have the bailiff carry you out if you come any further.
[MR. CHAPMAN TURNS AND EXITS THE COURT]
Judge: Ms. Smallen, I am very sensitive to the tricky nature of arguments between divorcing couples. But is there any reason we simply can’t placate this man and give him the accounts? He’s clearly invested in them.
Judge: Ms. Smallen, please. Turn off your phone in my courtroom.
Smallen: May I approach the bench, sir?
[MS. SMALLEN APPROACHES THE BENCH]
Smallen: That sound you just heard was my phone alerting me to a new tweet.
[MS. SMALLEN HANDS THE JUDGE HER CELLULAR PHONE]
Smallen: Can you please read for the court what it says?
Judge: Ms. Smallen, don’t treat me like your husband did.
Court Reporter: I’m sorry to interrupt, sir, but I do need to take everything down.
Judge: OK. OK. It says: “This judge is a major douchebag.”
Smallen: And what account is that tweeted from?