The New Year’s Mailbag

newyearsmailbag

1. How are you guys ringing in the new year? — Devin Romer in Newark, DE

John: I’ll be poring over the statistics for JohnAndNick.com and wondering if comedy has any place on the Internet. Afterwards, I’ll probably check out Fergie’s pre-taped New Year’s show. Always tops Ryan Seacrest’s bullshit.

Nick: The wife’s working, so I’m flying solo. I have a case of Miller Lite, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a copy of The Mummy Returns on DVD. You do the math.

2. Yo dudes! What are your resolutions for 2014? — Michael Ramsey in Philadelphia, PA

John: I really want to work harder on this web site and make it even better than it already is. My role model for this is Nick, who consistently amazes me with his work ethic and drive. If I can be half as good as him in 2014, we’ll be going places.

Nick: I resolve to just start giving a shit, man. I’ve been dogging it since we started. I just vomit up the first words that come to mind and then walk away. I forget 90% of the stuff we’ve done for the site. I’m surprised we made it this far.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you in 2013? — Lisa Turtle in Carson City, CA

John: Sorry to be Mr. Corny, but it has to be starting this web site with my best friend, Nick Klinger. What an amazing journey it’s been. I can’t wait to see where the new year takes us!

Nick: Man of Steel.

4. What’s the worst thing that happened to you in 2013? — Lucy Matters in Ann Arbor, MI

John: Man of Steel.

Nick: Some guy named DookieBot97 gave our podcast a negative review in iTunes. It was really harsh. He even made fun of the way my voice sounds.

5. Hey fellas! Love the site! Can you offer up a bold prediction or two for 2014? — Michael Burns in Feasterville, PA

John: Well, I’m thinking that we’ll be picked up by a cutting-edge sketch show early in 2014. Maybe Key & Peele or The Birthday Boys. After banging out a few sketches that go viral in the Spring, we’ll really blow up when people discover the small yet hilarious roles that we’re playing in these sketches — not because we think we’re actors, but just because we’re hanging around on the set when Bob Odenkirk offhandedly says, “Hey, everybody here on set, we need a guy or two to deliver this killer line! Our actor just left with appendicitis! Does anyone want to do it? Maybe a writer or two who are just hanging out near catering?” and suddenly we’re not just writers, but actors. Lorne Michaels will call, and he’ll offer us jobs on Saturday Night Live, telling us he saw our SNL spoof thing on our web site and liked it and it indicated to him that we were really right for the show.  We’ll start there in September, but we’ll quit in November, because we’re not happy with the lack of diversity in the cast so we decide to take a stand. Y’know, because comedy isn’t as important as equality. That’s when we’ll start writing our feature-length movie script. Want to know what it’s about? Well, you’ll have to wait until this time next year, when I make some bold predictions for 2015!

Nick: I predict that somebody will REALLY regret writing a negative review of The Critics Agree: The Podcast.

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Christmas Lists

Happy holidays, loyal readers! We’ll be foregoing our normal posting schedule this week, but thought we’d leave you with a glimpse at our Christmas lists. Enjoy, and feel free to send some items our way.

XmasList2

The American Cornetto Trilogy

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Unfocused Pictures is proud to announce that it has begun production on its American adaptation of Edgar Wright’s “Cornetto Trilogy,” better known to moviegoers as the films Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and The World’s End. In cooperation with Wonderland Sound and Vision, Unfocused Pictures will be filming the entire trilogy back-to-back, so as to preserve stylistic continuity and protect our artistic vision.

Popular and talented American director McG will be helming the series. McG is no stranger to the work of Edgar Wright, having attempted an adaptation of the Brit’s cult television show Spaced. McG promises that he’s the right man for the job: “Given that I successfully filmed an American pilot of Spaced, I think I’m more than qualified to adapt this Ice Cream Trilogy. I’m more in tune with the British way of thinking, which can be quite jarring and peculiar to outsiders. Sometimes it’s like they’re speaking an entirely different language. I’m just here to translate.”

Broadway star Josh Gad will be filling the mighty shoes of actor Nick Frost. Gad will be taking on the roles of Frost’s Ed from Shaun of the Dead, Danny from Hot Fuzz and Andy from The World’s End. Gad explains why he thinks the movies will feel fresh for an American audience: “I haven’t seen the original films, which I think will really benefit me as we shoot this trilogy. I can come at it with a new perspective. I even turned down Nick’s offer to meet, because I just want to go in untainted and make it my own.”

Of course, there are even bigger shoes to fill on set: namely, those of leading man Simon Pegg. After Pegg declined to reprise his roles of Shaun, Nicholas and Gary, American mega-star Seth Green — hot off the ratings success of his FOX sitcom Dads — jumped at the opportunity to delight audiences. He says, “I’ve been a huge fan of Wright’s since I saw him in the reboot of Shaft, and when you throw in the chance to work with McG, it was impossible to say no. There’s a reason they call him the Millennial Scorsese.”

In order to pay respects to the original trilogy and minimize confusion amongst audiences, we have seized upon new naming opportunities for these exciting American movies. Unfocused Pictures is thrilled to announce the new titles of each film, as well as their release dates:

September 11, 2014: Ben of the Dead
August 20, 2015: Hot Dicks
October 1, 2016: Bro-Down

Finally, we would like to announce an exciting new partnership with Good Humor-Breyers, a division of Unilever, who have acquired the naming rights to our new trilogy, henceforth known as The Choco Taco Trilogy. Just as the Choco Taco is jam-packed with reduced-fat vanilla ice cream, artificially flavored fudge, peanuts, and milk chocolate, so will The Choco Taco Trilogy be jam-packed with comedy, action, romance, horror, police hijinks, and fun-but-sensible alcoholic consumption.

The Choco Taco Trilogy is now filming in Vancouver.

FOR MORE INFORMATION
Patrick O’Brien
PR Director
(215) 639-2102 (office)
(215) 627-1899 (cell)
secretaryofmcg@mcgisagooddirector.com