The Ten Best Moments in Moby Dick

We had another piece (previously: 1, 2) rejected by BuzzFeed. It’s tough luck, but as always, we’re happy to present our work here. Enjoy:

10. “He looked like a man cut away from the stake, when the fire has overrunningly wasted all the limbs without consuming them, or taking away one particle from their compacted aged robustness….”

9. “Moby Dick seeks thee not. It is thou, thou, that madly seekest him!”

8. “There is a wisdom that is woe; but there is a woe that is madness.”

7. “And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin’ and the ocean turns red and spite of all the poundin’ and the hollerin’ they all come in and rip you to pieces.”

6. “Talk not to me of blasphemy, man; I’d strike the sun if it insulted me.”

5. “For all men tragically great are made so through a certain morbidness…. all mortal greatness is but disease.”

4. “When we get them silly bastards down in that rock pile, it’ll be some fun, they’ll wish their fathers had never met their mothers.”

3. “It is not down in any map; true places never are.”

2. “Call me Ishmael.”

1. “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

Cocktails for Gamers

VGCocktails

HEY VIDEO GAMERS! Are you tired of going to bars and having to choke down some swill not made with your specific interests and needs in mind? Well, those gross drinks will be a distant memory once you try some of these delicious recipes made just for you. Before you know it, you’ll have your Wiimote in one hand and a fantastic cocktail in the other!

The Gin & Sonic
The gin and tonic is a classic drink, and you know what they say about classic drinks: BORING! Let’s spice it up a bit with a tribute to everyone’s favorite hedgehog. Here’s what you’ll need:

2 oz gin
3 oz tonic
a lime wedge
2 oz Five Hour Energy
6 oz Pepsi Blue

The Mega Manhattan
You’ve probably seen this drink on Mad Men, but let’s face it, Don Draper is a stuffy loser whose only good idea was wearing a fedora. Let’s jazz up this drink with some gamer edge, shall we?

1 oz Knob Creek
0.5 oz Maraschino cherry juice
2 dashes sweet vermouth
1 dash Angostura bitters
8 oz Mountain Dew Code Red

Stir with ice.
Strain into a used Slurpee cup.

Grand Theft Mojito
This one’s for all of you Call of Duty: Black Ops fanatics who wanted to spend more time in the Cuba missions!

4 lime wedges
a fistful of sugar
10 Listerine Pocketpak Breath Strips (Cool Mint flavor)
2 oz rum

Shake with ice and strain into an ice-filled Solo cup.
Top with Sierra Mist before pouring in your Pop Rocks.

Super Margarita Bros.
If you’re like us, you’re too busy to visit our neighbors south of the border because you’ve got too many video games to play! So if you want a taste of Mexico, try making this fun cocktail at home:

1.5 oz tequila
1 oz triple sec
0.5 oz cranberry juice (for “The Mario”) or 0.5 oz lime juice (for “The Luigi”)

Shake with ice and then strain into a coffee mug.
Coat the rim with Pixy Stix dust.

Madden NFL 2007 and Seven
We’d never forget about our beloved sports gamers!

2 oz whiskey
3 oz generic lemon-lime soda
8 oz Coors Light

Make in a souvenir cup from that one Mets game you attended.
Pairs well with Hamburger Hot Pocket.

Minecraft Beer
Cocktails aren’t for everyone. We know that. But you can still make a delicious drink at home using nothing more than beer!

6 oz Pabst Blue Ribbon
6 oz Old Milwaukee

Garnish with sour patch kids in a frosted glass.

The Valentine’s Day Mailbag

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1.  I’m planning to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but I’m at a loss for where and how to do it. What should I do???I need your help! — Jerry Kolla in London, England

John: There’s nothing more romantic than proposing to your special lady at a baseball game. I can’t express the joy I felt kneeling on bits of peanut shells and popping the big question to my wife. That crackling noise will forever ring in my ears, for it is the noise of love. (For a more intimate and cozy atmosphere, propose at a minor league game.)

Nick: My dad always told me, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” So I think you should propose at your local farm. Maybe buy some produce to commemorate your special day! I love fresh corn on the cob.

2. I’ve been crushing on this girl for a while, and she finally agreed to go out with me. So what’s your perfect date? And do you mind if I steal it? — Phillip Squatley in Epping, New Hampshire

John: I’d probably take her to a baseball game. That way, if you wind up getting married, you can propose there. It’ll be circuitous and thoughtful. Play ball!

Nick: I don’t know, dude. Chipotle?

3. What pick-up lines do you dudes use when you’re playing the field? — Chase Wilson in Allentown, PA

John: Well, I’m married, so I haven’t been tossing out lines in a while, but I’m happy to share the one that scored me my wife. She was walking down Walnut Street in Philadelphia. I was outside of a Wendy’s. I said to her, “Hi, miss. I’m sorry, but you look beautiful, and that also looks like a nice winter coat. My name’s John. I’m a comedy writer. And I’m incredibly poor. I just need a little bit of food in me, and maybe a warm place to sleep, and you look like you could provide both. I’m sorry about being so forward. Is that a Coach bag? Wow. Those are pricey. So have you had lunch yet? Will you have it with me? Do you mind if I add the salad bar to my combo?” She melted.

Nick: I don’t even know where to begin. Here are a few of my best panty droppers:

  • Are you sweating because you’ve been running through my mind all day, or did I just get you wet with my good looks?
  • You know what they say, if there’s grass on the field it probably needs a trim. Hi, I’m Nick Klinger. I’m a landscaper.
  • Hey, I bought a jumbo box of condoms at Costco a few years back and they’re about to expire. ‘Lil help?
  • You know what they say about guys with big hands, right? No? They say that guys with big hands would like to sleep with you. And my hands are huge.
  • Are you an angel? Because your boobs are heavenly.
  • Is that a vagina in your pocket or should we just have sex?
  • Hey man, I’m not gay, but I’ve been striking out all night so I’m willing to give it try.

4. I don’t want to come off as a stalker, but I *LOVE* you guys and want to know as much about you as I can. So tell me, each of you: what were your last 5 Google searches? — Lisa Rocky in Denver, Colorado

John: This is potentially embarrassing, but sure, I’ll play along —

  • fake mailbag questions
  • comedy writer job openings
  • nick klinger sexy
  • godspeed you black emperor lyrics
  • whats the difference between gloves and mittens

Nick: I’ve got nothing to hide —

  • how to get out of a comedy writing duo smoothly
  • chris kattan illuminati
  • an american tale blu-ray
  • nick klinger sexy
  • what does it mean if i cry when i poop

5. Is Valentine’s Day a real holiday or something made up by corporations? — Daniel James in Cleveland, OH

John: I think CVS had a lot of empty shelves after December 25th, so they made up a holiday to cover the gap between Christmas and Easter. So I’m not going to blame all corporations, but I’m definitely going to blame one*.

Nick: … asks the single guy. Burn!

* I’m blaming CVS, in case that wasn’t clear.

Nick Klinger Promoted!

NickPromotion

Please join us in congratulating Senior Software Engineer Nick Klinger on his promotion to Assistant Multimedia Specialist for Carroll ünd Klinger Incorporated.

Nick’s dedication and hard work have been an inspiration to us all, and we look forward to what he has in store for us in the months ahead!

Sincerely,
John Hussein Carroll
Executive Entertainment Director
Carroll ünd Klinger Incorporated

John Carroll Promoted!

JohnPromotion

This morning we are thrilled to announce the promotion of John Carroll to Executive Entertainment Director of Carroll ünd Klinger Enterprises.

John performed exceptionally in his previous role as Vice President of Bowties. He leaves us with little doubt that he’ll fill this even larger role with vigor and aplomb.

If you have any inquiries, please contact me at your convenience.

Sincerely,
Nicklas Klinger
Manager, Vocabulary Department
Carroll ünd Klinger Enterprises