The Valentine’s Day Mailbag


1.  I’m planning to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but I’m at a loss for where and how to do it. What should I do???I need your help! — Jerry Kolla in London, England

John: There’s nothing more romantic than proposing to your special lady at a baseball game. I can’t express the joy I felt kneeling on bits of peanut shells and popping the big question to my wife. That crackling noise will forever ring in my ears, for it is the noise of love. (For a more intimate and cozy atmosphere, propose at a minor league game.)

Nick: My dad always told me, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” So I think you should propose at your local farm. Maybe buy some produce to commemorate your special day! I love fresh corn on the cob.

2. I’ve been crushing on this girl for a while, and she finally agreed to go out with me. So what’s your perfect date? And do you mind if I steal it? — Phillip Squatley in Epping, New Hampshire

John: I’d probably take her to a baseball game. That way, if you wind up getting married, you can propose there. It’ll be circuitous and thoughtful. Play ball!

Nick: I don’t know, dude. Chipotle?

3. What pick-up lines do you dudes use when you’re playing the field? — Chase Wilson in Allentown, PA

John: Well, I’m married, so I haven’t been tossing out lines in a while, but I’m happy to share the one that scored me my wife. She was walking down Walnut Street in Philadelphia. I was outside of a Wendy’s. I said to her, “Hi, miss. I’m sorry, but you look beautiful, and that also looks like a nice winter coat. My name’s John. I’m a comedy writer. And I’m incredibly poor. I just need a little bit of food in me, and maybe a warm place to sleep, and you look like you could provide both. I’m sorry about being so forward. Is that a Coach bag? Wow. Those are pricey. So have you had lunch yet? Will you have it with me? Do you mind if I add the salad bar to my combo?” She melted.

Nick: I don’t even know where to begin. Here are a few of my best panty droppers:

  • Are you sweating because you’ve been running through my mind all day, or did I just get you wet with my good looks?
  • You know what they say, if there’s grass on the field it probably needs a trim. Hi, I’m Nick Klinger. I’m a landscaper.
  • Hey, I bought a jumbo box of condoms at Costco a few years back and they’re about to expire. ‘Lil help?
  • You know what they say about guys with big hands, right? No? They say that guys with big hands would like to sleep with you. And my hands are huge.
  • Are you an angel? Because your boobs are heavenly.
  • Is that a vagina in your pocket or should we just have sex?
  • Hey man, I’m not gay, but I’ve been striking out all night so I’m willing to give it try.

4. I don’t want to come off as a stalker, but I *LOVE* you guys and want to know as much about you as I can. So tell me, each of you: what were your last 5 Google searches? — Lisa Rocky in Denver, Colorado

John: This is potentially embarrassing, but sure, I’ll play along —

  • fake mailbag questions
  • comedy writer job openings
  • nick klinger sexy
  • godspeed you black emperor lyrics
  • whats the difference between gloves and mittens

Nick: I’ve got nothing to hide —

  • how to get out of a comedy writing duo smoothly
  • chris kattan illuminati
  • an american tale blu-ray
  • nick klinger sexy
  • what does it mean if i cry when i poop

5. Is Valentine’s Day a real holiday or something made up by corporations? — Daniel James in Cleveland, OH

John: I think CVS had a lot of empty shelves after December 25th, so they made up a holiday to cover the gap between Christmas and Easter. So I’m not going to blame all corporations, but I’m definitely going to blame one*.

Nick: … asks the single guy. Burn!

* I’m blaming CVS, in case that wasn’t clear.