Instructions for Audio Learners #8

The one man band himself Kev Ketner was scheduled to join us today for a musical installment of Instructions for Audio Learners. Unfortunately, due to an accident involving iCal and Jamiroquai tickets, Mr. Ketner had to cancel.

We are thrilled to announce, however, that country music icon Buford T. Worley filled in at the last minute. He recorded a special Instructions for Audio Learners song that we’re debuting on the show today. What are you building? It’s a surprise!

Please note: this show isn’t sponsored or sanctioned by IKEA. We’re just trying to help you amateur builders out.

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This concludes season one of Instructions for Audio Learners. Thanks for listening!

Batman Meets His Social Media Team

HashtagBatmanLaura Clement (Team Manager): We’re thrilled you could join us today, Batman. We have a lot of great ideas for you, but first, your assistant mentioned that you had some problems you wanted to address.

Batman (The Batman): Who’s the kid?

Laura: Oh, this is Manny. He’s my intern.

Manny Ruiz (The Intern): Hi.

Batman: Does he really need to be here?

Laura: Well, he manages your accounts with us, so, yes, I think it would be both helpful and instructive.

Manny: I’m a big fan, Batman.

Batman: Look, I’m a little disappointed with the way you’ve been handling my social media pages. When The Gotham Times starts compiling my tweets for an article–

Laura: If they had told me upfront that “The Dark Tweet” was the spin, I never would’ve participated.

Manny: They don’t get you like we get you.

Batman: I just don’t understand why I have to say something every day. Batman tweets about President’s Day? Batman offers condolences to the family of Philip Seymour Hoffman? Batman wishes Lindsay Lohan would get her act together? None of these have to do with justice and peace for Gotham.

Laura: And we hear you loud and clear, but I don’t think you fully grasp the idea that brands exist to engage with the world at large. When people follow Batman — or even Head & Shoulders, another brand of ours — they expect to see those brands interacting with everything that’s going on. Right, Manny?

Manny: Right.

Batman: I’m not a brand. I’m Batman.

Laura: We’re all brands, Batman. Some of us just aren’t properly built up. I’m sure that’s exactly why you hired us — to make you even bigger online.

Batman: I just wanted someone to help shut down all of the fake Batman accounts.

Laura: And we’re doing that by increasing your official profile online.

Batman: OK. Then build it up with more relevant content. I want to cease interacting with celebrities and pop culture immediately.

Laura: OK. Are holidays still in play?

Batman: Ugh. Fine. Whatever. Except Mother’s and Father’s Day. Don’t tweet about those.

Laura: Great. Write that down, Manny.

Manny: On it.

Laura: But we need help from you too, Batman. We can’t not tweet. So if you want more relevant content up there, you need to help us. Going to a crime scene? Text us, then we can tweet about it. Hanging out in the Batcave? Send us a selfie and we can post it. Social media partnerships are like a good handshake: both sides have to commit.

Batman: The last thing on my mind as I pursue a criminal is contacting my social media team. Particularly if I’m driving.

Laura: Do you not have Bluetooth in the Batmobile yet? We can help with that. If you’re open to some corporate partnerships, we can have it installed for free, I’m sure. Put that on your to-do list, Manny.

Manny: Bluetooth is all the rage these days, sir.

Batman: I think you’re both missing the larger point.

Laura: Yes, the larger picture — exactly what we wanted to talk to you about. Manny, why don’t you tell Mr. Batman about what we have planned for the next 6 months?

Manny: Yes ma’am. We’ve spent the past few weeks coordinating with Commissioner Gordon and the Gotham PD to bring in a new Bat-Signal. Now, instead of seeing the Bat-logo in the night sky, you’re going to see #Batman.

Batman: What?

Laura: I know change can be tough, but logos are so 20th century, Batman. Hashtags are the way to build a brand nowadays.

Batman: Why wasn’t I consulted on this?

Manny: We wanted it to be a nice surprise.

Laura: Another exciting update for you — we’ve also been working with several of your most famous nemeses and arranged to have them take over your Twitter account for a day. This month, The Joker will have access to your account for 24 hours. It’s a great way to mix things up and generate new followers.

Batman: What? You’ve been in touch with The Joker? Where is he? Why wasn’t I notified about this?

Manny: We had him into the office. He’s a really nice guy once you get to know him.

Batman: Are you fucking kidding me, Manny? He’s a deranged murderer.

Laura: Settle down, please. This is a business meeting, and I think we’ll all be more comfortable if you act professionally.

Batman: Give me one good reason I shouldn’t fire you right now.

Laura: Well, we do have one last item on the list. Tell him about it, Manny.

Manny: Are you sure, Laura?

Laura: Yes.

Manny: OK, well, Laura and I were thinking that it’s about time we tweet out “I’m Bruce Wayne” from the Batman account.

Batman: What? You know my identity?

Laura: Yes, we did some investigating on our own. And I can’t believe you’d give your superhero accounts to us while hiring McCloskey Social Media Group for Wayne Enterprises. I thought we were family, Batman.

Batman: Who else knows I’m Bruce Wayne?

Laura: Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with us.

Batman: WHO ELSE?

Manny: One other person. Jeff Davis in payroll. But he’s cool.

Laura: Listen, it’s not just a matter of wanting your business. McCloskey isn’t doing enough for you. Your Wayne likes and retweets and favs are brutal. I can triple them in a year.

[Batman storms out of room, his cape scattering the documents spread across the table.]

Laura: Wow. Unbelieveable. So unprofessional. I’m sorry you had to see that, Manny.

Manny: We never got to ask him if he wanted us to start his LinkedIn page.

Instructions for Audio Learners #7

In the penultimate episode of season one of Instructions for Audio Learners, Matthew Schmid introduces listeners to IKEA’s Varde free-standing kitchen unit.

Matt is a sketch comedian working in the Philadelphia area. Be sure to check out his work in The Flat Earth and The Incredible Shrinking Matt & Jacquie.

Please note: this podcast is in no way associated or affiliated with the Swedish company IKEA.

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