We’re once again honored to hand today’s post over to Reverend Randy Dodge of Saint Brayden’s in Romer, PA. Today, Rev. Dodge is taking us into the confessional with him.
Reverend Randy Dodge: May God be with you, my son.
Manny Ruiz: Bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been four months and three weeks since my last confession.
Rev. Dodge: So it’s been a while. Please, unburden yourself.
Manny: Well, I’ve cussed a lot. I’ve been mean to my mom and dad more often than I should have been. I stole five dollars from my brother Jerry’s wallet. I also said “Jesus Christ” a few times, but in, like, a negative way. I’m sorry for these and all of my sins.
Rev. Dodge: Is that everything?
Manny: Yes, father.
Rev. Dodge: Nothing else?
Manny: No, father, that’s all of them.
Rev. Dodge: You’re certain?
Manny: Yes, sir.
Rev. Dodge: How old are you?
Manny: 15 years old.
Rev. Dodge: 15. Copy that. And you’ve confessed everything?
Manny: Was something wrong with my confession?
Rev. Dodge: Not at all. We priests just like to assist the congregation in perhaps finding sins that allude our memories.
Manny: OK, well I don’t think I have any of those. How many Hail Marys should I say?
Rev. Dodge: We’ll get to that momentarily. I want to get back to the sins first. Tell me: have you had any impure thoughts?
Manny: What do you mean by that, Father Dodge?
Rev. Dodge: Do you ever think of women in a way that you wouldn’t talk to me about?
Manny: I guess so.
Rev. Dodge: Like who?
Manny: Have you ever heard of Kate Upton?
Rev. Dodge: Oh, sure. Who hasn’t? So you have impure thoughts about Ms. Upton?
Rev. Dodge: And what do you do when you have these impure thoughts?
Manny: I don’t follow, sir.
Rev. Dodge: Where are your hands when you’re thinking about her?
Manny: I dunno. By my side, I guess.
Rev. Dodge: By your side?
Rev. Dodge: And you just keep them there?
Rev. Dodge: By your side. Perfectly still?
Manny: Not, like, rigid. Hanging loosely.
Rev. Dodge: And you don’t do anything with them?
Manny: As far as I can recall, no.
Rev. Dodge: As far as you can recall. Well said.
Manny: Thank you, sir, I am taking debate this semester.
Rev. Dodge: So then you’re all done, correct? No more sins?
Manny: No sir. Just hoping to say my prayers and get out of here.
Rev. Dodge: You do know it’s a sin to sin in confession, right?
Manny: I never thought about it much, but that does make sense.
Rev. Dodge: It’s like a sin, but squared. That’s pretty serious.
Manny: I understand. I currently have an A in Calculus.
Rev. Dodge: I guess we’re done. Please don’t hesitate to come back if you remember anything else. For your penance, say five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys.
Manny: Thank you, father. I’ll go pound ‘em out.