The John & Nick Circular

TheBigGameWe’ve been inundated with former sponsors and associates who want to advertise here on the site during Super Bowl week. We do huge traffic this time of year. Since we can’t choose just one, here are a bunch of great deals available to you this weekend:

You can’t make dips for The Big Game without some fine herbs! Come on down and get a 10% discount when you shout the word “TOUCHDOWN” at checkout!

During The Big Game, we’ll be running our “The Big Game Headshots” promotion. All headshots taken between opening and final whistle are 50% off! Jesus Christ! Whatta deal!

The Romer, PA Assests Management Department will be liquidating all assets from Drinky Poo’s between 4 and 6 pm on Sunday. Must haul away all items purchased. Please contact City Hall for more details.


Kansas is beautiful this time of year. Once you’re done watching The Big Game, go book The Big Vacation. Your family will thank you for it. Wichita is calling. Answer.

Stressed out about The Big Game? Come in for a fresh eyeball leeching this weekend! If you wear a football jersey, we’ll give you 15% off your total!

We’re thrilled to announce that we’re clearing out the library this weekend. No students will be admitted for academic purposes, beginning Friday at 5 pm. On Sunday, we’ll be showing THE BIG GAME on our brand new 98-inch television! Free Taco Bell Volcano Tacos to the first 50 students in line.

The Big Game. Turn It On.

Our First T-Shirt!

OBUTeeWe’re thrilled to announce that we’re selling our first ever t-shirt at! Your window to buy is between now and February 7th.

This inaugural shirt was created in honor of famed learning institution O’Brien University. OBU features a ton of great majors, as well as courses led by esteemed faculty members.

There’s no better way to show your FIGHTING ZEBRA pride than in this elegant OBU t-shirt, which is available in both men’s and women’s cuts.

Be sure to buy one — or two, or ten — today!

¡Yo Quiero Respect!

We’re posting this at the behest of Jimmy Frisco, a friend of the site and owner of the O’Brien University Taco Bell.

To the patrons of my O’Brien University Taco Bell franchise:

I’ve been noticing a lot of outside food and drink in the restaurant lately. Sure, you may be sitting with a friend or friends eating Taco Bell products, but that does not mean you have an open invitation to join them with your off-campus Subway $5 footlong or KFC Doublicious. This aggression will not stand.

Starting today, I will be reporting any and all outside food and drink to the University Police. There will be no warning, only action. I’d like to clear up any confusion by answering some frequently asked questions about this new policy:

What if I don’t like tacos?
Despite our name, we have a variety of excellent non-taco products. For instance, I’d recommend trying our Gordita Baja. There’s something for everyone here at Taco Bell!

What about my Starbucks coffee?
I will be reporting those as well. We serve delicious coffee here at Taco Bell. Rather than bringing your own, try a cup of ours! You won’t regret it.

But you guys don’t serve iced coffee. Can I bring my Starbucks iced latte?
We have a soda fountain that is in 100% working order. You are more than welcome to fill a soda cup with ice and pour your coffee over it. I’ve tried this. It’s delicious!

OK. Are those soda cups free?
No. You’ll have to pay full price for a soda, even if you’re not drinking any of our delicious Pepsi products.

Why can’t I sit with my friend? It’s not like some stranger is going to join her in the booth.
Actually, I’ve seen a lot of great friendships begin here at Taco Bell. Strangers tend to unite over our delicious and authentic Mexican offerings. We like to think of this dining establishment as your kitchen away from home; it’s only natural that lifelong friendships begin here. By bringing foreign food onto the premises, you’re poisoning such opportunities.

I saw your cashier Brad eating a McDonald’s Big Mac on his lunch break. Explain that.
Brad’s been terminated. All O’Brien University Taco Bell employees are required to eat Taco Bell products if dining on-site.

That’s incredibly unfair. I think it may even be illegal. How can you justify that?
Every employee has the option of driving to another restaurant and eating off-site during their 10-minute lunch break.

What if employees brown bag their lunch?
I’m sorry, but foreign food is foreign food. I don’t know where the food inside that brown bag came from.

I found a hair in my Cheesy Double Beef Burrito. Why didn’t you refund my meal?
I have no way of knowing where that hair came from. It certainly didn’t look like my hair. Also, please remember that YOU were the one who called my suggestion of a DNA test “impractical” and “ridiculous,” not me.

Why is Taco Bell the only restauarant on-campus? What happened to the cafeteria?
I was pleased to strike an exclusivity deal with O’Brien University in 2013. I’m sure both they and we will revisit the arrangement and explore all available options when our 25-year contract expires.

This all sounds good to me. Thanks for your explanation. You’re a great steward for Taco Bell and Yum! Brands Incorporated!
You’re welcome. Thank YOU for eating at Taco Bell. Remember: Live Más!

James Frisco
Owner, President and General Manager
O’Brien University Taco Bell

SNL: Take Two

Lorne_MichaelsAs our fans surely know, we almost got a job at Saturday Night Live. While losing out on that gig was bittersweet, we’re planning to give it another go. We’re currently putting together our portfolio, and we’re trying to pick 2 or 3 sketches from this list:

  • Game of Twerks
  • Mad Memes
  • Dog Rabbi
  • Shart Detective
  • Zombie Robin Williams in Good Will Zombie
  • Freddy Richardson: Professional Dick-Slapper*
  • The Return of Celebrity Jeopardy
  • If Cat Stevens Was Actually A Cat
  • Flo from Progressive Bangs the Geico Gecko
  • 50 Shades of Grey: The Auditions

We know it’s hard to go off titles alone, but we’re unable to share the full sketches at this time. We absolutely must protect our intellectual property. But if any of these seem to seize our cultural zeitgeist, please let us know. We also wrote an “Attention Teachers & Students” spec. Anyone know if those are kosher to include in an SNL portfolio?

* Potential for recurring character.