Visit Now, Dummy!

We’d like to thank Herb Town for their continued support, as well as beg them to re-up their stakes with us after their contract ends next week.

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Seriously, y’all, you need to go visit Herb Town. If you don’t visit and tell them John and Nick sent you, there’s no way they can know they’re getting bang for their buck.

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A Bold New Direction

the futureOver the past several months, Nick and I have been incredibly worried that our fresh, in-your-face content wasn’t being presented in the correct format. We realized that we weren’t maximizing the appearance of our work. In short, we were losing eyeballs daily because of a disparity of our own creation.

That all changes today. We’re proud to present a bold and fresh new look for our content:

Welcome to the future of JohnAndNick.com. With a new style we can be proud of, there’s no limit to what we can achieve!

No other web site is presenting its content in such a forward-thinking manner. Period. In a time when fonts are increasingly all the same, we had no choice but to step out and make a difference, rather than wait for the difference to make us.

While this initially seems like the same old black-on-white style we’ve used since our launch, you’ll come to see that this drastically minimal refresh reflects the deep, thick and loud value of our weekly content.

Whether you know it or not, this right here is the update you’ve been waiting for. This is the future of the world wide web. This is 2015. This is the new JohnAndNick.com.

We’re setting out on this journey together. Grasp our content by the hand, and don’t look back.

New Hours

We’re eternally grateful to Herb Town for their continued support.

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Finally: Romer, PA has the 24-hour, 7-day-a-week herb emporium it truly deserves!

Everyone’s A Winner

We’re once again sponsored by the trustworthy team at CarLoansCam.com!

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Don’t finish in last place. When you finish in 1st, encourage your family and friends to finish in 1st as well!

Shark Tank Pitch

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Hey pals: I’m going on ABC’s Shark Tank in a few weeks. I’m nervous, but excited! This is a great chance to get my business off the ground. My pitch is below. I’d appreciate ANY advice you can share.

Hi sharks!

My name is James Deegler and I’m here today to pitch a revolutionary new product that’s going to completely change the way you drive and listen to music. This equipment follows in the historic lineage of amazing vehicular devices like the 8-track player, cassette player, CD player, satellite radio and Bluetooth receivers.

Driving. It’s pretty easy, right? One foot on the gas, one hand on the steering wheel. Simple. But you know what’s not easy: singing along to songs while you drive. Sure, we all know the lyrics to classics like “Hotel California” by The Eagles and “Yellow” by Coldplay. But what about when the new U2 album suddenly appears on our iPhones? Everyone’s first instinct is to listen to it on the ride home from work. But we don’t know the words yet! And we can’t play air guitar or air drums while we drive. That’s dangerous. The only safe way to rock out is by singing along. This is the most serious problem facing American drivers today: we all want to sing, but we don’t have time to learn lyrics in this crazy, fast-paced modern world of ours.

That’s where Paradise by the Dashboard Lyrics comes in to play.

Paradise by the Dashboard Lyrics is a major technological innovation that broadcasts the lyrics to whatever song you’re playing onto your windshield. Now, instead of just seeing the same old boring cars, traffic lights and stop signs, you can also see the words to all of your favorite hit songs, like Katy Perry’s “Roar” or Papa Roach’s “Last Resort.” Multi-tasking has never been so fun!

Customers can expect plenty of great add-ons once this takes off. I’m currently waiting on a patent for an extension I call Baby You Can Drive My Music Videos, which will transpose the official music videos for the songs in addition to the lyrics. This and other affordable features will present a totally immersive musical experience for our customers. I’m really excited to get it in their hands.

Now, Sharks, I want to hear from you. I’m seeking an investment of $10 million dollars in exchange for a 5% stake in my company. What do you say? Are you ready to show me that money, money, money, money? (pause) Money!*

* Please sing this last part to the tune of “For the Love of Money” by The O’Jays (available on The Apprentice soundtrack).

Let’s Update the Postal Creed

19926If you visit New York City’s Farley Post Office, you’ll see the following inscription: “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.” Because of the popularity of this phrase, most Americans assume the postal service will go to great lengths to deliver the mail. My name is Freddy Ahearn. I’m a postman from Romer, PA. And I’m here to say one thing: fuck that noise.

Seriously, did you read that inscription, or just skim over it? It starts with “Neither snow” because it can’t ease into the hard stuff. I’ve delivered mail in the heat. Start there. Or maybe with a cool Spring day! If it snows out, I’m going back to bed and delivering your circular and Southern Living the next day. You don’t need mail that badly.

If it rains, why do I have to get soaked? Have you ever tried carrying a mail bag and an umbrella at the same time? It’s fucking impossible. When I DO pull it off, my routes complain because the mail is soaked. Until there’s an umbrella wide enough for me AND the mail, just shut the fuck up, OK?

Don’t even get me started on “gloom of night”! Who speaks this way? Also: WHO DELIVERS MAIL AT NIGHT?!? Once that sun sets, I’m headed home. Did I not reach your house in time? I’ll simply start there the next day. People complain that this makes delivery unpredictable, but guess what: your tips are unpredictable. You wait until the holidays, and then it just so happens that you go on vacation and “miss” me. But yeah, go ahead and complain to my boss because I’m not out there slinging paper under the GLOOM OF NIGHT. Y’all are fucking crazy.

I know what you’re thinking: why do I still do it? I’ve tried so many times to get out of the game. I failed the UPS driving test. I failed the FedEx driving test. I failed the DHL driving test. Yeah, sure, LaserShip doesn’t have a driving test, but I can’t go home for the holidays and tell my dad I work for LaserShip. At least the post office has a long and proud tradition. LaserShip’s creepy vans are going to show up on To Catch A Predator one day. Mark my words.

Naturally, this is why I’m trying to become a writer. Will you be reading this in The New Yorker? Hopefully. If not, I’m sure some other fine publication will pick it up, and pay me a king’s ransom to run it.

The next time you complain about your mail not being delivered after your town gets 3 inches of snow, remember me. Remember my pain. Remember my aspirations. And then look me up on Amazon.com to see if I’ve managed to publish a book. If I have, please buy it. You won’t regret it.

Freddy Ahearn is a postman in Romer, PA. He is available for freelance writing gigs.