Regarding the Top of Your Pizza Box

Pizza_FavoriteDear Kingston Kabob & Pizza,

I picked up a large cheese pizza on Tuesday night, and was moved to contact you after seeing the message on your new pizza box, which read, “Thank You From Your Favorite Pizza Shop.”

While I appreciate the sentiment here, it strikes me as dishonest to accept this thank you note from your establishment. Kingston Kabob & Pizza is not my favorite pizza shop. That would be Manoli’s. I only order from you when I am on my way home from Costco, as it’s easier to stop at Kingston Kabob & Pizza than Manoli’s when I am driving south on Route 350.

I’m sorry if I’ve provided any mixed signals lately. Due to the recent birth of our first child, I have been making frequent Costco runs and thus stopping by your establishment more often. Unfortunately, you simply don’t have what it takes to top Manoli’s. Your crust is rather thin, and while I do love Mozzarella cheese, I don’t want my pie drowning in it.

You have a lot of great qualities, though. Your sauce is flavorful, and your time estimates are on point. I’m sure Kingston Kabob & Pizza makes a lot of families in the area quite happy. In fact, there are surely many people out there who regard you as their favorite pizza shop. I’m glad they do, and I’m sure they’re thrilled by your choice to update your pizza boxes.

Unfortunately, Manoli’s remains my #1 pizza destination, and I needed to let you know before this relationship of ours goes any further. In the future, I’d like to request that my pizzas are placed in your old boxes, which simply read, “Oven Fresh Pizza.” That seems right for our relationship at this point in time.

I look forward to seeing you the next time we need 1,200 baby wipes, but no sooner. Please don’t call (but feel free to send coupons).

Best wishes,
John P. Carroll

P.S. To head off the inevitable follow-up question — no, you’re not my favorite kabob place either. I’m sorry. Too dry.