Miniature Golf Infractions

Dear Trevor,

I’m writing today to file a petition regarding our miniature golf match last Saturday. Since this is a formal complaint, I’ll be sending a carbon copy to Marty, the clerk at the Pro Shop & Sno Cone Stand who checked us in before our game.

At the end of our match play, you signed a scorecard of 49 strokes, which handily beat my score of 62. But I contend that you committed several infractions that typically incur additional strokes which you didn’t assign yourself. You should be penalized for the following:

The Mouse Trap (Hole 2, Par 2)
As I entered my backswing, you held your putter perpendicular to your cargo shorts zipper and said, “Jason, look how big my dick is.” You should’ve penalized yourself two strokes for distracting a fellow golfer in the act of putting.

The Lion Tamer (Hole 7, Par 3)
As I attempted to line up my first putt, you simulated masturbating the lion’s tail. You should’ve penalized yourself one stroke for positioning yourself in the putter’s line of vision.

The Lion Tamer (Hole 7, Par 3, additional infraction)
As I lined up my second putt, you stood behind the lion and humped his buttock. For this, you should’ve incurred another one stroke penalty.

The Lion Tamer (Hole 7, Par 3, additional infraction)
As I lined up my sixth and final putt, you went back to the lion and simulated performing oral sex on his tail. While this didn’t preclude me from sinking my difficult putt, the family of four behind us didn’t seem to appreciate it. You should’ve marked down a three-stroke penalty for conduct unbecoming a golfer.

The Windmill (Hole 13, Par 4)
After striking your first putt, Trevor, you approached the windmill (ignoring signage that advised against such action) and thrust your crotch forward as you shouted, “Help, Jason, this windmill’s chopping my dick off!” This was obviously a lie. Also, your feet stomped over the line of my shot. You should’ve penalized yourself two strokes for interfering with another golfer’s putting line.

The Raging River (Hole 17, Par 3)
While none of your actions interfered with my course of play, it wasn’t clear to me that the family behind us knew that you were squirting your water bottle into the creek, and not in fact urinating in it, as you coyly positioned the water bottle in such a way that it could’ve been mistaken for your penis. (Please see the attached photo for a visual of this, Marty.) You should’ve incurred multiple penalties: the aforementioned three strokes for conduct unbecoming, as well as two additional strokes for tampering with the creek, as forbidden by I Can’t Believe It’s Not Putter! Miniature Golf Incorporated.

These penalties total 14 strokes, which would have positioned you in second place, as 62 would have beaten your 63. I’m seeking the following as restitution: (a) a 1/3 lb. Frisco Thickburger, (b) a medium-sized order of Natural-Cut French Fries, and (c) an Apple Turnover. You’ll recall that I purchased these three items for you after our match when we dined at our local Hardee’s franchise, on the condition of your alleged “victory,” which we can now see is a fraudulent one.

I’ll accept payment after our rematch on Friday night at, let’s say, 6:30 p.m.? My mom can drive.


Campus Alert System

In March of 2013, O’Brien University in West Newbridge, NJ had its first chance to use an alert system that enabled campus police officers to notify students of emergency situations via text message. Here is the transcript of that incident:

10:53 am
OU ALERT: Armed man has been spotted near campus Taco Bell®. Find shelter immediately. Campus police arriving at scene.

10:58 am
OU ALERT: Police are actively searching for a male in his early 20s wearing a black trench coat, camouflage cargo shorts, and indigo crocs. Suspect is armed. Also may be carrying Taco Bell’s delicious Fresco Bean Burrito®.

11:07 am
OU ALERT: Police have located and are questioning armed suspect. Please resume normal campus activity, including dining at our new Taco Bell, home of the Cool Ranch® Doritos® Locos Taco.

11:10 am
OU ALERT: Correction to earlier alert—suspect was carrying an A.M. Crunchwrap® with Sausage, part of Taco Bell’s famous Firstmeal® menu. We regret the error.

11:20 am
OU ALERT: Suspect lecturing police about his 2nd Amendment rights. Hasn’t touched his A.M. Crunchwrap®.

11:31 am
OU ALERT: Who is Guy Fawkes, and why does this guy keep dropping his name?

12:01 pm
OU ALERT: Suspect is still talking our ears off. We hungry. #CoolRanchDLT

12:17 pm
OU ALERT: Can someone call 911 to help us bail for lunch?

12:19 pm
OU ALERT: Campus police responding to assault by flavor at campus Taco Bell. (Thanks, guys. You rock.)

12:34 pm
OU ALERT: Live Más!