Regarding the Top of Your Pizza Box

Pizza_FavoriteDear Kingston Kabob & Pizza,

I picked up a large cheese pizza on Tuesday night, and was moved to contact you after seeing the message on your new pizza box, which read, “Thank You From Your Favorite Pizza Shop.”

While I appreciate the sentiment here, it strikes me as dishonest to accept this thank you note from your establishment. Kingston Kabob & Pizza is not my favorite pizza shop. That would be Manoli’s. I only order from you when I am on my way home from Costco, as it’s easier to stop at Kingston Kabob & Pizza than Manoli’s when I am driving south on Route 350.

I’m sorry if I’ve provided any mixed signals lately. Due to the recent birth of our first child, I have been making frequent Costco runs and thus stopping by your establishment more often. Unfortunately, you simply don’t have what it takes to top Manoli’s. Your crust is rather thin, and while I do love Mozzarella cheese, I don’t want my pie drowning in it.

You have a lot of great qualities, though. Your sauce is flavorful, and your time estimates are on point. I’m sure Kingston Kabob & Pizza makes a lot of families in the area quite happy. In fact, there are surely many people out there who regard you as their favorite pizza shop. I’m glad they do, and I’m sure they’re thrilled by your choice to update your pizza boxes.

Unfortunately, Manoli’s remains my #1 pizza destination, and I needed to let you know before this relationship of ours goes any further. In the future, I’d like to request that my pizzas are placed in your old boxes, which simply read, “Oven Fresh Pizza.” That seems right for our relationship at this point in time.

I look forward to seeing you the next time we need 1,200 baby wipes, but no sooner. Please don’t call (but feel free to send coupons).

Best wishes,
John P. Carroll

P.S. To head off the inevitable follow-up question — no, you’re not my favorite kabob place either. I’m sorry. Too dry.

The New IHOP Secret Menu

IHOPSecretWe’re big fans of secret menus. We always feel like James Bond when we walk into a Taco Bell and order a Chili Cheese Burrito. Thus, we were thrilled to hear about the new IHOP Secret Menu. Here are a few dishes that made our mouths water:

Spinach and Asparagus Risotto
Our creamy risotto is prepared in a lemon-zested broth that’s simply to die for. The arborio rice has been hand-picked by specially trained harvesters in Italy’s Po Valley. This all makes for a taste that’s not only divine, but authentic to boot. Served with our Monster Mozzarella Sticks.

Roquefort and Pear Soufflé
This fluffy masterpiece will stand at attention as it makes its way to your table. Tangy and moist, our Roquefort is imported from the South of France every weekend to ensure freshness. But that’s not the only European flavor here: unsatisfied with the taste of cheap Oregon pears, our chefs have chartered flights in order to bring in the world’s best pears over from The Netherlands. For $3, you can add a short stack of our Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity Pancakes.

Steak Tartare
To produce our first raw dish, we hired a dozen chefs from Paris and flew them into our Glendale headquarters to teach us the ins and outs of Steak Tartare. The raw meat comes from the world’s most attractive cows, and is seasoned with an egg yolk, capers and onions to create a taste from overseas that’s trés magnifique. (If you’d prefer a similar, cooked dish, try the Philly Cheese Steak Stackers.)

Patagonian Prawn Ceviche
Each month, we send our Chief Executive Fishermen to the tip of South America for the best prawns that Argentina has to offer. Our men catch thousands of prawns each day, but only the very best 3% make their way into our kitchens. Due to the demands of this dish, visitors must reserve our ceviche four hours prior to dining. Pairs well with our Watermelon Fruit Lemonade Splasher.

Red Velvet White Chocolate Cheesecake Macarons
Take great care when picking up our delicately sumptuous macarons. We want them to dissolve in your mouths, not your hands! These macarons are hand-crafted by our world-renowned pastry team. We only hire the smallest chefs, so that their tiny hands can provide exquisite detailing on these tasty, cream-filled pastries. To top it all off, each macaron is topped with shaved gold foil — a perfect ending to anyone’s evening! (Note: Can be served Funny Cake Pancake style at your request.)