Your New Favorite Dating Site

tumblr_m7g5zasHmv1r9gn36o1_500We here at Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Date understand the difficulties of the modern dating world. That’s why we started our very own dating web site.

And we know what you’re thinking. “ANOTHER dating web site?, OK Cupid, Christian Mingle — who has all that time?” But we imagine you’re going to like what we’ve added to the mix: we’ve gamified online dating.

What’s gamification? It’s the use of gaming culture in a non-gaming context. That’s not a word we made up, either. We stole that definition from You may remember gamification from such projects like Fitbit, which turned exercise into a game, or The Sims, which turned living into a game.

The key to gamifying dating comes in difficulty tiers. When you play a video game, the very first thing you do is select your level of expertise. Pro gamers always opt for the higher levels, which demand more from them in terms of skill and expertise. Newbs opt for the lower levels, which allow them to acclimate themselves to their new environment.

We plan to sort daters into five distinct categories, thus enabling equivalently experienced people to find one another.

Just wanna fuck? We’ve got you covered. Easy-level daters are exactly that: easy! While we can’t legally require you to hook up with your match on the Easy level, we’re heavily suggesting it.

Not interested in simply hopping in the sack? Don’t fret, there’s room for you too at Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Date. At our Normal level, users will do lots of interesting stuff like getting macro beers or going to the Olive Garden. You might find your soul mate, or you might simply gain skills to level up!

These daters know what they’re doing. They show up to the door with flowers. They use Uber. They know that splitting the check is the way to go, in the name of equality. Pro dates are like going through TSA Pre at the airport: it’s super smooth because everyone knows the drill, and no one’s trying to grope you at first sight. This is the level we hope most users settle in at.

Some Pro users, however, need more. They’re not willing to settle for their soul mate. They want a little adventure mixed in. Wine tasting? Yes. Expressionist art exhibit? Sure. Sex dungeon? Of course. These All-Star users are some of the most elite daters in the country, and come with a wide range of interests as well as unique sexual desires.

Our most difficult dating level pairs top-level singles with some of our country’s most difficult to pair daters. If you’re interested in meeting up with widows, widowers, terminal cancer patients, diaper fetishists, incredibly famous actors we’re not legally allowed to name here, or Mormons, you’ve come to the right level. Heroic level daters require pre-approval from our GamerDate Board, as well as a consultation with a licensed therapist.

Love isn’t patient or kind. It’s a first-person shooter. Stay safe out there, and remember to always aim for the head.

Let’s Modernize Clue for 2015

MsFleekClue was one of our favorite childhood board games. While we’re nostalgic for the original edition, it’s clear that this classic is in need of an update. We have some ideas, and hope that Parker Brothers will contact us about implementing them.

The current characters are simple, but boring. Why does the green piece need to be called Reverend Green? Jazz it up:

  • Miss Fleek
  • Professor Yolo
  • Colonel Emoji
  • Reverend Ratchet
  • Mrs. Twerk
  • Dr. Swag

There’s a nice variety here, but again, they’re all dated. We have a contemporary vision that will capture this generation’s imaginations:

  • Bath Salts
  • iPhone 6 Plus
  • Sham Wow
  • Vape Pen
  • Selfie Stick
  • AK-47

Mansions may still be relevant, but do you think Kim Kardashian has a Conservatory? She doesn’t. Here’s what the rooms will look like in a modernized edition of Clue:

  • Kitchen
  • Dining Room
  • Whiskey Bar
  • Real World Confessional
  • Wine Cellar
  • 20-Car Garage
  • Sex Dungeon
  • Bowling Alley
  • Home Movie Theater
  • In-ground Pool

These updated roles, items and settings provide a lot of fun new combinations as players try to solve the case. “Professor Yolo in the Sex Dungeon with the Bath Salts” has a much better ring to it than “Mrs. White in the Lounge with the Rope,” don’t you think?