The Mid-April Mailbag

MailbagBeenAWhileWe’re ashamed to admit that we haven’t opened up the ol’ JohnAndNick.com mailbag since February 2014. That’s almost a crime, right? We’re making it up to you today! Mailbag, take it away:

Hey guys, can you write another mailbag soon? I miss it! — Heather Wright in Albany, NY

John: Your wish is our command, Heather!

Nick: Sorry about the wait, but I can only imagine how overjoyed you’ll be when you see this.

What gives, dudes? You haven’t run a mailbag in more than a year! Isn’t it easy to respond to mail? — Lisa Turtle in Carson City, CA

John: Easy? Not really. We want to give each piece of mail the attention it deserves. I understand how you can see it that way, but we put a lot of work into these.

Nick: Yeah, what John said. We put 110% into anything you see here, and I resent any implication otherwise.

Hey dudes, remember when we got drunk at the Deegs bachelor party and you two wrote that mailbag column in between shots toward the end of the night? Why have you never run that? — Domonic Johnson in Beaver, PA

John: That’s a lost column that we don’t plan on running. Maybe we’ll release it in an anthology one day, when folks are paying tribute to our historic career in comedy. But it’s not “canon” in terms of our wide swath of published work.

Nick: Didn’t we write that on a napkin?

Misters Carroll and Klinger, I hope you had a blessed Thanksgiving. My name is Herman Locke. I work in the greater Pittsburgh area with terminally ill children and help make arrangements for them to meet their heroes. I am working now with a lad who would love to meet one or (ideally) both of you in his time left with us. Speed, obviously, is of the essence! Can we make something happen before ‘14 becomes ‘15? I hope so! Let me know ASAP. — Herman Locke of Pittsburgh, PA

John: We’d love to meet the ‘lil guy, Herman. We love our fans.

Nick: Yes, please contact POB the Intern at randomintern@johnandnick.com! He’ll get back to you in 6-8 weeks.

If you guys don’t run another friggin’ mailbag soon, I may kill myself. — Raymond Wright from Annapolis, MD

John: That’s extreme, Raymond. I hope you’re still alive. If so, enjoy this mailbag and then you should seek help.

Nick: That’s not even a question.

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The Valentine’s Day Mailbag

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1.  I’m planning to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but I’m at a loss for where and how to do it. What should I do???I need your help! — Jerry Kolla in London, England

John: There’s nothing more romantic than proposing to your special lady at a baseball game. I can’t express the joy I felt kneeling on bits of peanut shells and popping the big question to my wife. That crackling noise will forever ring in my ears, for it is the noise of love. (For a more intimate and cozy atmosphere, propose at a minor league game.)

Nick: My dad always told me, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” So I think you should propose at your local farm. Maybe buy some produce to commemorate your special day! I love fresh corn on the cob.

2. I’ve been crushing on this girl for a while, and she finally agreed to go out with me. So what’s your perfect date? And do you mind if I steal it? — Phillip Squatley in Epping, New Hampshire

John: I’d probably take her to a baseball game. That way, if you wind up getting married, you can propose there. It’ll be circuitous and thoughtful. Play ball!

Nick: I don’t know, dude. Chipotle?

3. What pick-up lines do you dudes use when you’re playing the field? — Chase Wilson in Allentown, PA

John: Well, I’m married, so I haven’t been tossing out lines in a while, but I’m happy to share the one that scored me my wife. She was walking down Walnut Street in Philadelphia. I was outside of a Wendy’s. I said to her, “Hi, miss. I’m sorry, but you look beautiful, and that also looks like a nice winter coat. My name’s John. I’m a comedy writer. And I’m incredibly poor. I just need a little bit of food in me, and maybe a warm place to sleep, and you look like you could provide both. I’m sorry about being so forward. Is that a Coach bag? Wow. Those are pricey. So have you had lunch yet? Will you have it with me? Do you mind if I add the salad bar to my combo?” She melted.

Nick: I don’t even know where to begin. Here are a few of my best panty droppers:

  • Are you sweating because you’ve been running through my mind all day, or did I just get you wet with my good looks?
  • You know what they say, if there’s grass on the field it probably needs a trim. Hi, I’m Nick Klinger. I’m a landscaper.
  • Hey, I bought a jumbo box of condoms at Costco a few years back and they’re about to expire. ‘Lil help?
  • You know what they say about guys with big hands, right? No? They say that guys with big hands would like to sleep with you. And my hands are huge.
  • Are you an angel? Because your boobs are heavenly.
  • Is that a vagina in your pocket or should we just have sex?
  • Hey man, I’m not gay, but I’ve been striking out all night so I’m willing to give it try.

4. I don’t want to come off as a stalker, but I *LOVE* you guys and want to know as much about you as I can. So tell me, each of you: what were your last 5 Google searches? — Lisa Rocky in Denver, Colorado

John: This is potentially embarrassing, but sure, I’ll play along —

  • fake mailbag questions
  • comedy writer job openings
  • nick klinger sexy
  • godspeed you black emperor lyrics
  • whats the difference between gloves and mittens

Nick: I’ve got nothing to hide —

  • how to get out of a comedy writing duo smoothly
  • chris kattan illuminati
  • an american tale blu-ray
  • nick klinger sexy
  • what does it mean if i cry when i poop

5. Is Valentine’s Day a real holiday or something made up by corporations? — Daniel James in Cleveland, OH

John: I think CVS had a lot of empty shelves after December 25th, so they made up a holiday to cover the gap between Christmas and Easter. So I’m not going to blame all corporations, but I’m definitely going to blame one*.

Nick: … asks the single guy. Burn!

* I’m blaming CVS, in case that wasn’t clear.

The New Year’s Mailbag

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1. How are you guys ringing in the new year? — Devin Romer in Newark, DE

John: I’ll be poring over the statistics for JohnAndNick.com and wondering if comedy has any place on the Internet. Afterwards, I’ll probably check out Fergie’s pre-taped New Year’s show. Always tops Ryan Seacrest’s bullshit.

Nick: The wife’s working, so I’m flying solo. I have a case of Miller Lite, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a copy of The Mummy Returns on DVD. You do the math.

2. Yo dudes! What are your resolutions for 2014? — Michael Ramsey in Philadelphia, PA

John: I really want to work harder on this web site and make it even better than it already is. My role model for this is Nick, who consistently amazes me with his work ethic and drive. If I can be half as good as him in 2014, we’ll be going places.

Nick: I resolve to just start giving a shit, man. I’ve been dogging it since we started. I just vomit up the first words that come to mind and then walk away. I forget 90% of the stuff we’ve done for the site. I’m surprised we made it this far.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you in 2013? — Lisa Turtle in Carson City, CA

John: Sorry to be Mr. Corny, but it has to be starting this web site with my best friend, Nick Klinger. What an amazing journey it’s been. I can’t wait to see where the new year takes us!

Nick: Man of Steel.

4. What’s the worst thing that happened to you in 2013? — Lucy Matters in Ann Arbor, MI

John: Man of Steel.

Nick: Some guy named DookieBot97 gave our podcast a negative review in iTunes. It was really harsh. He even made fun of the way my voice sounds.

5. Hey fellas! Love the site! Can you offer up a bold prediction or two for 2014? — Michael Burns in Feasterville, PA

John: Well, I’m thinking that we’ll be picked up by a cutting-edge sketch show early in 2014. Maybe Key & Peele or The Birthday Boys. After banging out a few sketches that go viral in the Spring, we’ll really blow up when people discover the small yet hilarious roles that we’re playing in these sketches — not because we think we’re actors, but just because we’re hanging around on the set when Bob Odenkirk offhandedly says, “Hey, everybody here on set, we need a guy or two to deliver this killer line! Our actor just left with appendicitis! Does anyone want to do it? Maybe a writer or two who are just hanging out near catering?” and suddenly we’re not just writers, but actors. Lorne Michaels will call, and he’ll offer us jobs on Saturday Night Live, telling us he saw our SNL spoof thing on our web site and liked it and it indicated to him that we were really right for the show.  We’ll start there in September, but we’ll quit in November, because we’re not happy with the lack of diversity in the cast so we decide to take a stand. Y’know, because comedy isn’t as important as equality. That’s when we’ll start writing our feature-length movie script. Want to know what it’s about? Well, you’ll have to wait until this time next year, when I make some bold predictions for 2015!

Nick: I predict that somebody will REALLY regret writing a negative review of The Critics Agree: The Podcast.

The Thanksgiving Mailbag

1.  What are you guys giving thanks for this year? — Raymond Wright from Annapolis, MD

John: I had a big health scare this year. I don’t want to bore anyone with the gruesome details, but let’s just say that I was close to death’s door at times. The priest was in the hospital room. I had rosary beads in each hand. Things were serious. I was worried I wouldn’t be here for long, and before my operation Nick visited and I was so sad at the prospect that we might not work together ever again. So I am thankful to not only be well, but to be here, writing and working with my pal again. It’s truly special, and I’m sure he feels the same way.

Nick: The toy batpod that comes with the new Dark Knight Trilogy box set is really cool. I’m really thankful they included it.

2.  Let’s talk about food, fellas. What’s your favorite dish on the big day? — Domonic Johnson from Beaver, PA

John: Fat Dom asking a question about food! Of course! I must say: I’m not a huge fan of Thanksgiving food. It might be because my Aunt Missy is a TERRIBLE cook. Just really awful. Diarrhea bad, to be specific. So I usually make up a lie about needing to go to Thanksgiving Mass since I missed it earlier in the day, and I hit up Boston Market instead on the way home. So I guess my favorite dish is Boston Market’s Rotisserie Chicken Market Bowl. I swear, food is more delicious when served all together in a bowl.

Nick: The dinner table is just a blur in my experience. I spend all day getting loaded, so whatever my mom puts on my plate is always delicious by then, and tastes just as good coming back up. That’s a testament to the cook.

3.  Are you guys big sports fans? Who are you rooting for in the holiday games? — Adam X. Paz from Washington, DC

John: I’m just rooting for everyone to have fun. I also have the Lions, Raiders and Ravens in a three-team tease. C’mon, guys! You just have to win by a combined score of 47, and poppa’s rich!

Nick: I can’t watch sports. I’m an active dude. So I typically set-up a flip cup table in the garage. Used to be a big tradition in our house, but fewer people participate each year. I usually just play both ends until I can convince someone to join me. I’ve never lost.

4.  Thanksgiving is a depraved holiday. It celebrates a group of Pilgrim settlers who stole this country from its native inhabitants. The Pilgrims raped those people, robbed them, desecrated their graves, and generally ran roughshod over the land and those who cared for it. Why do you think America callously celebrates such a depraved and hollow “holiday”? — Professor Melissa Freeman from the American Studies Department at O’Brien University

John: This one’s too easy! My favorite Thanksgiving Day parade is the Macy’s one. Hands down. Thanks for writing, ma’am!

Nick: Loosen up, lady. Have a drink.

5.  Do you go shopping on Black Friday? — Kevin Romer from Lagerville, PA

John: As my Uncle Rob likes to say: “I’d prefer it if you called it ‘African-American Friday.’” That guy is so funny. And his boss is black, so it’s totally cool that he says it. But to answer your question, I head back to my local Boston Market and buy gift cards for all of my friends and family. There’s no discount, but it’s nice to knock out all of my holiday shopping in one day.

Nick: Not recently. I have the worst luck. In fact, I’ve been hospitalized on Black Friday for the past 12 years. Happens to me on the day after Christmas, New Year’s Day, the day after St. Patty’s Day, the day after July 4, and the day after Arbor Day as well. But if my luck turns around this year, I’ll be at Best Buy! That Lenovo IdeaTab is mine, bitches!

The Halloween Mailbag

Every day, our virtual mailbag is stuffed with thought-provoking questions from our readership. In honor of Halloween, we decided to debut a new feature called The Mailbag.

We’ll explain it before we begin. A mailbag is a sack in which a postal employee holds mail. When applied to the Internet, we’re not talking about a sack at all. We’re simply referring to our inbox, where ELECTRONIC mail collects. If those pieces of e-mail have questions in them, we’ll answer them below.

Let’s get started:

1.  What are you guys dressing up as for Halloween?  — Domonic Johnson from Beaver, PA

John: Hi, Fat Dom! Thanks for kicking off this new feature. As you know, I typically like to dress up as something trendy for Halloween. This year, everyone I know is all about Twitter. So I’m going to dress up as a Hash Tag. It’s pretty simple. First, I put on a purple sweatshirt and purple sweatpants. I then attach two purple pool noodles to my chest and legs with a hot glue gun. Voila: I’m a hashtag. To really sell the costume, I’ll carry around a piece of paper that says “#Hashtags” — this level of detail will really make the costume pop!

Nick: I like to make costumes from things I have lying around the house, so as to not buy things I’ll use once and otherwise waste (for those of you who don’t know, I’m 3/17th Cherokee, so conservation runs in my blood). So this year, I’m dressing up as a popular movie character: The Lone Ranger! I’ll be making a cowboy hat out of a cardboard box, using a dress shirt from work for my top, and then wearing my assless leather chaps to complete the cowboy look.

2.  What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen? — Mike Burns from Yankonia, PA

John: In 2007, I visited New York to see the Broadway show Cats with my wife. It was a really delightful trip. We were headed to Penn Station via the Subway when a man jumped in front of the train. It happened right in front of me. I saw his face as the train made contact. It was truly awful. I still have nightmares about it, and I worry that I’ll never be able to shake that image even though I want more than anything to erase it from my mind.

Nick: Saw III.

3. What is your favorite candy to receive while trick or treating? — Hank Zoo from Los Angeles, CA

John: This is a dumb question, and I can’t believe you wasted an e-mail sending it to us. With that said: Tropical Skittles.

Nick: I’m allergic to chocolate, a majority of nuts, nougat, coconut*, red dye number five and whatever Starbursts are made of, so anything that doesn’t feature all of those things is my favorite.

4.  My son and I are carving Jack-O-Lanterns this weekend.  Do you have any ideas for fun designs? — Heather Wright in Albany, NY

John: Well, when it comes to carving pumpkins, I’m all about doing the trendiest and coolest things out there. So why not carve in a # sign or @ symbol to hop on this Twitter craze everyone’s talking about? That will make your son the coolest dude in school.  If your son is a regular ‘ol Picasso, maybe he’ll even want to try and carve the Twitter bird into the pumpkin. If you guys do that, send me some pictures! I’ll add them to my Jack-O-Lantern collection on Flickr.

Nick: Try carving me giving a shit.

5.  What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled on Mischief Night? — Tony Chapman from Bensalem, PA

John: Great question, Tony. I have almost too many to list. I was a real pranking champ during my youth. Just pulled off some mental stuff. You wouldn’t believe the half of it. If I had to pick my favorite, I must go all the way back to elementary school.  Me and my mates just put one over on the teacher one morning. She came into class and we had every seat in the classroom turned around. Just picture it: we weren’t facing the chalkboard, we were facing the BACK of the room. It was hysterical, and I’ve yet to top it in the 20 years since.

Nick: In 2008, I was downtown with John. We were on a costumed bar crawl and got really tired at one point, so we decided to take the subway. Anyways, as we were waiting on the platform, I faked like I was going to throw John in front of the train. He went white as a ghost. I got him really good.

*Is this technically a nut since it’s cocoNUT?