An Evening of Humorous Readings

readinghumorousOur very own John Carroll will be reading some of our work at Brian Agler’s “An Evening of Humorous Readings” series on October 2 in Washington, DC.

The venue is DC9 (1940 9th St NW in Washington, DC) and the time is 7 pm. Admission is $10. Jon Wolper will be there as well, plus some special unannounced guests.

We hope to see you there!

10 Things I’ve Learned Since Becoming A Dad

mommy-clipart-dT6GgbnT9Hi, folks. John here. It’s been a wild 17 hours. I’ve learned a lot. Since my wife is busy feeding, rocking, changing and entertaining our child, I thought I’d take a break from it all and reflect on what I’ve learned. Here are 10 lessons for all of you dads and dads-to-be out there:

  1. Winning isn’t everything. We learn a lot when we lose — in particular, we get a better sense of what we needed to do to win.
  2. Don’t take things personally.
  3. There were two footsteps in the sand for a while, but then there was one. That was when I carried you.
  4. Money is not the root of all evil. Fear is.
  5. Music is one of the most supreme expressions of life — art in its most transitory form! It is gone within an instant. Therefore, it’s extremely precious.
  6. The source of most of your frustrations and anxiety are the result of living in the future, or the past.
  7. If you don’t like what someone else says to you, you can walk away. But if you don’t like what you say to yourself, you can’t walk away. Therefore, if you’re going to be with yourself all the time, you might as well be nice to yourself.
  8. Even the most fundamental beliefs about reality are not true in themselves. Our thinking makes them true in our experience.
  9. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
  10. Wipe front to back.

Birth Announcement

ndc87RbTeIf you haven’t heard the good news, our very own John — who puts the John in JohnAndNick.com — is now a father. His wife gave birth to a joke child this week.

Of course, we don’t want to invade their privacy. We’re only posting this in order to announce that you can keep returning to JohnAndNick.com for the same cutting edge comedy that you’re accustomed to.

This isn’t going to become some lame dad blog. Trust us.

April Fools!

whoopee-cushion-1066-pHappy April Fools’ Day, everyone! We’re in the mood for a prank, but we don’t want to prank our dear readers.

John had the perfect solution: he decided to prank his landlord! Since it’s the first of the month, John’s rent is due. You’ll never believe what he decided to do with that! Here’s a rundown of the prank as it happens:

UPDATE 1 (8:45 am) Just wrote the check! Rent check for $1.99, made out to my landlord Donald Cash, but I wrote Donny Cassh instead! Memo line says April Fools!

UPDATE 2 (9:30 am) I usually mail it, but thought I should expedite things by hand-delivering it! Just put it in his mail slot. Added a mini-prank on top by ringing doorbell and running away!!!

UPDATE 3 (10:10 am) Donny just called. Said it was “very funny” but also requested I bring rest of rent over. Later asked me if I rang his doorbell. LOL.

UPDATE 4 (10:20 am) Started to write rent check, but decided to double down! Made it out to Donny Who Now? for a total of 36 cents. Memo line says It’s Still April Fools’ Day!

UPDATE 5 (11:00 am) Stopping at Toys ‘R’ Us for some marbles. Will explain why later!

UPDATE 5 (11:25 am) Dropped rent check off again! Afterward, poured hundreds of marbles across Donny’s stoop! Gonna be hilarious when he steps outside.

UPDATE 6 (1:05 pm) Donny called! He said the next rent check better come in full. He did not seem to think this one was as funny. I also don’t think he’s stepped outside yet, as there was no mention of marbles.

UPDATE 7 (3:30 pm) You’re not going to believe this: Donny stepped outside, slipped on something and broke his tailbone. He’s in the Emergency Room. I hope he’s all right.

UPDATE 8 (4:00 pm) I know this was supposed to be a fun prank, but I feel bad! What if he slipped on the marbles? Hoping it was something else, but I’m going to visit him at the hospital. Planning to bring him my full rent, some flowers, and a whoopie cushion … because it’s still April Fools’ Day, right? 🙂

UPDATE 9 (5:10 pm) At the hospital! Gift shop does not sell whoopie cushions. WTF?

UPDATE 10 (5:50 pm) Donny claims he’s evicting me. Pretty sure I’ve got an “April Fools!” coming my way later!

UPDATE 11 (6:30 pm) LOL! My apartment is posted on Craigslist. This is too funny. You’ve got to learn to take it if you’re gonna dish it out, I suppose!

UPDATE 12 (7:45 pm) Still waiting for Donny to pay off joke. Gonna go get some dinner at Taco Bell while I wait.

UPDATE 13 (8:40 pm) I can’t get into my apartment. Someone changed the locks. This is going a little too far, Donny.

UPDATE 14 (9:05 pm) Does anyone have a couch or bed they can spare tonight, or ideally for the next few nights? Not an April Fools joke. Please call or text if you do.

A Bold New Direction

the futureOver the past several months, Nick and I have been incredibly worried that our fresh, in-your-face content wasn’t being presented in the correct format. We realized that we weren’t maximizing the appearance of our work. In short, we were losing eyeballs daily because of a disparity of our own creation.

That all changes today. We’re proud to present a bold and fresh new look for our content:

Welcome to the future of JohnAndNick.com. With a new style we can be proud of, there’s no limit to what we can achieve!

No other web site is presenting its content in such a forward-thinking manner. Period. In a time when fonts are increasingly all the same, we had no choice but to step out and make a difference, rather than wait for the difference to make us.

While this initially seems like the same old black-on-white style we’ve used since our launch, you’ll come to see that this drastically minimal refresh reflects the deep, thick and loud value of our weekly content.

Whether you know it or not, this right here is the update you’ve been waiting for. This is the future of the world wide web. This is 2015. This is the new JohnAndNick.com.

We’re setting out on this journey together. Grasp our content by the hand, and don’t look back.

The John & Nick Circular

TheBigGameWe’ve been inundated with former sponsors and associates who want to advertise here on the site during Super Bowl week. We do huge traffic this time of year. Since we can’t choose just one, here are a bunch of great deals available to you this weekend:

HERB TOWN
You can’t make dips for The Big Game without some fine herbs! Come on down and get a 10% discount when you shout the word “TOUCHDOWN” at checkout!

ACTORS, MODELS & TALENT FOR SATAN
During The Big Game, we’ll be running our “The Big Game Headshots” promotion. All headshots taken between opening and final whistle are 50% off! Jesus Christ! Whatta deal!

DRINKY POO’S
The Romer, PA Assests Management Department will be liquidating all assets from Drinky Poo’s between 4 and 6 pm on Sunday. Must haul away all items purchased. Please contact City Hall for more details.

THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION FOR PEE TROUGHS
IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO HAVE A PEE TROUGH INSTALLED BEFORE THE BIG GAME. CALL ASAP FOR DETAILS. ALSO HAVE GREAT DEALS ON ICE!!!!

THE GREATER ASSOCIATION FOR KANSAS TOURISM
Kansas is beautiful this time of year. Once you’re done watching The Big Game, go book The Big Vacation. Your family will thank you for it. Wichita is calling. Answer.

RIZZOLI SCHOOL FOR THE HEALING ARTS
Stressed out about The Big Game? Come in for a fresh eyeball leeching this weekend! If you wear a football jersey, we’ll give you 15% off your total!

O’BRIEN UNIVERSITY
We’re thrilled to announce that we’re clearing out the library this weekend. No students will be admitted for academic purposes, beginning Friday at 5 pm. On Sunday, we’ll be showing THE BIG GAME on our brand new 98-inch television! Free Taco Bell Volcano Tacos to the first 50 students in line.

VALUE.COM
The Big Game. Turn It On.

Our First T-Shirt!

OBUTeeWe’re thrilled to announce that we’re selling our first ever t-shirt at Teespring.com! Your window to buy is between now and February 7th.

This inaugural shirt was created in honor of famed learning institution O’Brien University. OBU features a ton of great majors, as well as courses led by esteemed faculty members.

There’s no better way to show your FIGHTING ZEBRA pride than in this elegant OBU t-shirt, which is available in both men’s and women’s cuts.

Be sure to buy one — or two, or ten — today!

SNL: Take Two

Lorne_MichaelsAs our fans surely know, we almost got a job at Saturday Night Live. While losing out on that gig was bittersweet, we’re planning to give it another go. We’re currently putting together our portfolio, and we’re trying to pick 2 or 3 sketches from this list:

  • Game of Twerks
  • Mad Memes
  • Dog Rabbi
  • Shart Detective
  • Zombie Robin Williams in Good Will Zombie
  • Freddy Richardson: Professional Dick-Slapper*
  • The Return of Celebrity Jeopardy
  • If Cat Stevens Was Actually A Cat
  • Flo from Progressive Bangs the Geico Gecko
  • 50 Shades of Grey: The Auditions

We know it’s hard to go off titles alone, but we’re unable to share the full sketches at this time. We absolutely must protect our intellectual property. But if any of these seem to seize our cultural zeitgeist, please let us know. We also wrote an “Attention Teachers & Students” spec. Anyone know if those are kosher to include in an SNL portfolio?

* Potential for recurring character.