Shark Tank Pitch

Dashboard

Hey pals: I’m going on ABC’s Shark Tank in a few weeks. I’m nervous, but excited! This is a great chance to get my business off the ground. My pitch is below. I’d appreciate ANY advice you can share.

Hi sharks!

My name is James Deegler and I’m here today to pitch a revolutionary new product that’s going to completely change the way you drive and listen to music. This equipment follows in the historic lineage of amazing vehicular devices like the 8-track player, cassette player, CD player, satellite radio and Bluetooth receivers.

Driving. It’s pretty easy, right? One foot on the gas, one hand on the steering wheel. Simple. But you know what’s not easy: singing along to songs while you drive. Sure, we all know the lyrics to classics like “Hotel California” by The Eagles and “Yellow” by Coldplay. But what about when the new U2 album suddenly appears on our iPhones? Everyone’s first instinct is to listen to it on the ride home from work. But we don’t know the words yet! And we can’t play air guitar or air drums while we drive. That’s dangerous. The only safe way to rock out is by singing along. This is the most serious problem facing American drivers today: we all want to sing, but we don’t have time to learn lyrics in this crazy, fast-paced modern world of ours.

That’s where Paradise by the Dashboard Lyrics comes in to play.

Paradise by the Dashboard Lyrics is a major technological innovation that broadcasts the lyrics to whatever song you’re playing onto your windshield. Now, instead of just seeing the same old boring cars, traffic lights and stop signs, you can also see the words to all of your favorite hit songs, like Katy Perry’s “Roar” or Papa Roach’s “Last Resort.” Multi-tasking has never been so fun!

Customers can expect plenty of great add-ons once this takes off. I’m currently waiting on a patent for an extension I call Baby You Can Drive My Music Videos, which will transpose the official music videos for the songs in addition to the lyrics. This and other affordable features will present a totally immersive musical experience for our customers. I’m really excited to get it in their hands.

Now, Sharks, I want to hear from you. I’m seeking an investment of $10 million dollars in exchange for a 5% stake in my company. What do you say? Are you ready to show me that money, money, money, money? (pause) Money!*

* Please sing this last part to the tune of “For the Love of Money” by The O’Jays (available on The Apprentice soundtrack).

SNL: Take Two

Lorne_MichaelsAs our fans surely know, we almost got a job at Saturday Night Live. While losing out on that gig was bittersweet, we’re planning to give it another go. We’re currently putting together our portfolio, and we’re trying to pick 2 or 3 sketches from this list:

  • Game of Twerks
  • Mad Memes
  • Dog Rabbi
  • Shart Detective
  • Zombie Robin Williams in Good Will Zombie
  • Freddy Richardson: Professional Dick-Slapper*
  • The Return of Celebrity Jeopardy
  • If Cat Stevens Was Actually A Cat
  • Flo from Progressive Bangs the Geico Gecko
  • 50 Shades of Grey: The Auditions

We know it’s hard to go off titles alone, but we’re unable to share the full sketches at this time. We absolutely must protect our intellectual property. But if any of these seem to seize our cultural zeitgeist, please let us know. We also wrote an “Attention Teachers & Students” spec. Anyone know if those are kosher to include in an SNL portfolio?

* Potential for recurring character.

Corporate Synergy At Its Best

We’re disappointed to share that Buzzfeed has rejected yet another piece of ours (previously: 1, 2, 3, 4). Nick and I REFUSE to be silenced, so, as usual, we’re posting it here instead:

There’s nothing we love more than corporate synergy. And one of our favorite bits of brand-strengthening synergy exists between the ABC Network and their corporate parents at Disney. Every year, we seem to be treated to a great mash-up when our favorite characters from our favorite ABC shows vacation at a Disney Resort. Here’s a list of our most beloved ABC/Disney adventures:

PATRICIA HEATON, ATTICUS SHAFFER, NEIL FLYNN, CHARLIE MCDERMOTT, EDEN SHER

Our favorite sitcom of all-time, The Middle, visited Disney World just this past year!

 

Scandal_Disney2

As did our favorite drama of all-time, Scandal!

 

BoyMeetsWorld_Disney

Who could forget when Cory and Shawn of Boy Meets World met the Beast?

  Continue reading

Grand Theft Auto V: Breaking Bad

Albuquerque: a sprawling sun-soaked desert full of soccer moms and meth heads, once the envy of Mexico City, now struggling to stay afloat in an era of economic uncertainty and cheap fried chicken.

Amidst the turmoil, three very different family members plot their own chances of survival and success: Walter, a science teacher turned drug lord; Skyler, the drug lord’s wife who dreams of getting him out of the game and into her car wash empire; and Hank, the beer-loving DEA agent intent on bringing them both down. Running out of options, these three characters risk everything in a series of daring and dangerous events that could end their lives.

The biggest, most dynamic and most diverse open world ever created, Grand Theft Auto V: Breaking Bad blends storytelling and gameplay in new ways as players repeatedly jump in and out of the lives of the game’s three lead characters, playing all sides of the game’s interwoven story. In addition, players will be afforded the occasional opportunity to take control of beloved side characters from the hit TV series, like meth cook protege Jesse Pinkman, scumbag lawyer Saul Goodman, actor DJ Qualls, teenage douchebag Walt Jr., that guy who got his throat slit, bald hitman Mike Ehrmantraut, fried chicken impresario Gustavo Fring, Saul’s fat security guard, purple person Marie Schrader, Jesse’s Dead Girlfriend*, all-around creepy guy Todd, Doug from Flight of the Conchords, Hank’s partner Steve Gomez and Bill Burr. That prostitute who had her own blowjob montage will be available as downloadable content on January 1.

All the classic hallmarks of the groundbreaking series return, including incredible attention to detail and Grand Theft Auto and Breaking Bad’s darkly humorous take on the drug trade, alongside a brand new and ambitious approach to open world multiplayer. In Grand Theft Auto V: Breaking Bad, players will be able to involve themselves in the game world more than ever before:

  • Attend Walt’s chemotherapy treatments.
  • Help Skyler manage the car wash business.
  • Replace the White household’s water heater.
  • Embark on 24-hour methamphetamine cooks in real time.
  • Breastfeed Skyler’s baby.
  • Re-enact Marie and Hank’s handjob competition.
  • Gas up Walt and Jesse’s RV.
  • Keep the books for Ted Beneke before taking over your own car wash.
  • Have sex with Ted Beneke before taking over your own car wash.
  • Poison children.
  • Use Walt’s beige Aztek to mow down competing drug dealers.
  • Teach Hank to walk again in dozens of physical therapy sessions.
  • Launder your own drug money (includes opportunity to buy other famous Breaking Bad locations, like the nail salon or laser tag arcade).
  • Manage Hank’s mineral collection.
  • Attend open houses as Marie and steal items without being detected.
  • See if you too have what it takes to shoot Gale Boetticher in the head.
  • Attend Jesse’s group rehab sessions and talk about your feelings.
  • Get high with non-playable characters like Badger and Skinny Pete.

Developed by series creators Rockstar North, in cooperation with AMC, Grand Theft Auto V: Breaking Bad will be available worldwide on December 6 for Xbox 360® and PlayStation®3.

* Spoiler Alert

Mio Fit Pitchmen

During the 2013 Super Bowl, Tracy Morgan introduced the world to Mio Fit, a drink mix that promised to be healthy and energizing when added to water. Many mocked the company’s hiring of the portly Morgan for an allegedly “healthy” product.

JohnAndNick.com recently acquired a memo that lists the pitchmen Mio Fit considered before ultimately landing on Morgan. Here it is, unedited:

MEMO

TO: Richard Larason, CEO
FROM: Hank Verano, Marketing (Talent Relations)
RE: Mio Fit Pitchmen

Mr. Larason:

My team and I would like to submit the below list of potential Mio Fit pitchmen for your consideration. They are ranked from our top targets to our safety picks. With your approval, we will begin approaching their representation immediately.

  • George Clooney
  • Kermit the Frog
  • Sean Penn
  • Scarlet Johansson
  • Jennifer Aniston
  • Thom Yorke
  • Tom Cruise
  • Leslie Knope
  • Katy Perry
  • Julia Roberts
  • Heath Ledger
  • Dr. Phil
  • Michelle Obama
  • Barack Obama
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt
  • Tom Green
  • That Dog from The Artist
  • Wanda Sykes
  • John Stamos
  • Malia Obama
  • Tiger Woods
  • Mel Gibson
  • Nick Lachey
  • Mario Lopez
  • Sarah Palin
  • Dave Coulier
  • Tracy Morgan
  • Molly Shannon
  • Martin Landau
  • Biff Henderson

Best regards,
Hank

The Breaking Bad Potluck

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
Hey guys,

BREAKING BAD IS BACK THIS SUNDAY! That means it’s time for our weekly potluck!  You know the drill: this is a roll call. Let me know what you’re bringing. Can’t wait to see you guys this weekend!!!

xoxo,
Lucy

Richard Larason <richandtinalarason@verizon.com>
Tina and I will make the guac as usual 🙂 Please tell me that Dom is bringing fish tacos!!!

Ellen Burgess <ellen.burgess@temple.edu>
I’ll bring the whiskey. We don’t need anything else.

Steve Bowes <sbow137@aol.com>
Two for one deal on Bagel Bites at Giant! I’ll bring 4 boxes!

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
I’ll bring the meth!

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
Too funny, Pat 🙂 I’ll bring some soda: Dr. Pepper & Mountain Dew, most likely. Speak up if you want anything else!

Ellen Burgess <ellen.burgess@temple.edu>
LOL, Pat! Or should we call you Heisenberg? LMAO!

Richard Larason <richandtinalarason@verizon.com>
If POB’s bringing the methamphetamine, I’ll bring the bug bomb tent 😉

Steve Bowes <sbow137@aol.com>
You guys are too funny. Richard and Pat, you two should be a comedy duo 😀

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
Why do you guys think I’m kidding?

Tara Mahoney <tmahoney@philadelphia.gov>
LOL Pat you’re such a card. Sorry I’m late to the email party. I’ll bring Doritos.

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
Since Pat wants to get a buzz on, I’ll scrap the soda and bring some Miller Lite. Or should I call it Schraderbraü? 😛

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
Listen, I don’t know how I can make this any plainer: I met a guy who sells meth under the Market-Frankford. I can buy a teenth for Sunday. I can think of no finer way to kick off the last season.

Steve Bowes <sbow137@aol.com>
ROFLMAO

Ellen Burgess <ellen.burgess@temple.edu>
You take the Market-Frankford too??? Why don’t we ride together?????

Tara Mahoney <tmahoney@philadelphia.gov>
Okay, Pat, joke’s getting old. We don’t have any greens yet. Can you bring a veggie tray?

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
I was going to surprise you guys, but to calm Pat down: I’m making my own meth!  A.K.A. Blue Rock Candy!!!

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
You mean to tell me that none of you guys ever watch this show and wonder what it would be like to try the crystal?

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
I just called Pat to see if he’d been hacked. He sounds serious, you guys.

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
Patrick!!!!! My dad’s a security guard. You can’t seriously want to bring meth into my home.

Richard Larason <richandtinalarason@verizon.com>
You guys, they’re messing with us. Just ignore them. Hey Dom: where are you? What’s the status of those fish tacos?

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
Seriously, Pat REALLY wants to try it. He just texted me a photo of his new pipe.

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
I’ve already tried it, so it’s a used pipe. I want you guys to join me on peanut butter jelly time. :~~~~P

Ellen Burgess <ellen.burgess@temple.edu>
You know what? Fuck it, I’m in. Let’s do this.

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
ELLEN: NO. NO. NO. Anyone doing meth is uninvited.

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
So, wait, is this really happening then? Pat?

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
Hey guys, I’d like to invite everyone over to my place on Sunday night for a Meth Potluck. I’ll supply the meth. You guys supply your noses.

Ellen Burgess <ellen.burgess@temple.edu>
Wait, are we snorting? I think I want to smoke it my first time.

Steve Bowes <sbow137@aol.com>
Sorry, guys. I’m sticking with Lucy’s party. I’m already addicted to something … Richard’s guacamole!

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
GOOD. I’m glad Pat and Ellen are having their own potluck. Feel free to come over when you COME TO YOUR SENSES!!!

Tara Mahoney <tmahoney@philadelphia.gov>
I wanted to see everyone 😦 Is there any way Pat and Ellen can come over before they do meth, then leave when they need to get high???

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
I just googled how to smoke meth. Pat, do you have a needle and a syringe? I think I’d like to try “slamming” it, as they say.

Ellen Burgess <ellen.burgess@temple.edu>
Where’d you read about that? I probably need to do some research too.

Richard Larason <richandtinalarason@verizon.com>
We’re going to Pat’s party! I know it’s crazy but I think I need to see this for myself.

Dan Plazchek <da_donk@yahoo.com>
Ellen: just go to http://www.tweaker.org. Super helpful.

Steve Bowes <sbow137@aol.com>
RICHARD!!! Are you bringing guac to Pat’s?

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
OMG YOU GUYS! WHAT THE HELL!?!!!?

Richard Larason <richandtinalarason@verizon.com>
Steve: If it’s OK with Pat, then yes.

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
I bet guac tastes even better when you’re flailing on shards.

Steve Bowes <sbow137@aol.com>
OK, I’ll go to where the guac is. Sorry, Lucy.

Tara Mahoney <tmahoney@philadelphia.gov>
I think that’s everyone? OK, I’ll go to Pat’s. You could come too, Lucy.

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
GUYS THIS IS PEER PRESSURE THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY TOLD US NOT TO DO IN SCHOOL

Patrick O’Brien <purepob@gmail.com>
Lucy, you’re not invited. You’ll be too much of a drag, yo.

Lucy Zayon <cupcake8301@hotmail.com>
AM I SUPPOSED TO WATCH BREAKING BAD ALONE?

Dom Johnson <fatdom@aol.com>
Hey guys, sorry I’m late to the party. Do I still need to bring fish tacos to Pat’s, or are we good?

Our SNL Writing Packet

Dear Lorne Michaels,

I’m contacting you on behalf of myself and my collaborator Nick Klinger. We’re interested in joining the Saturday Night Live writing staff, and we were told the best way to be considered was to send you a sample of something that might appear on the show. That piece is below. We hope you like it!

Best,
John & Nick

Sample Monologue

[hilarious cold opening sketch, ending with “LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”]

[opening credits]

[hosts descend stairs together to massive applause]

John Carroll: Thank you!

Nick Klinger: Yes, thank you!

John: Wow! You’re still going!

Nick: Please! Stop! You’re cutting into our hosting time!

[John and Nick laugh, pat each other on back, causing crowd to applaud louder]

John: Let me tell you, it’s an absolute honor to be here tonight with my friend and collaborator, Nick Klinger.

Nick: Right back at you, John.

John: As some of you may know, we’re originally from Philadelphia…

[crowd cheers]

Nick: …and we’re two WILD and CRAZY guys!

[John and Nick pause, letting laughter wash over the studio]

John: You probably met us through our hit TV series, Fellas & Their Ladies, but I actually know Nick from way back in high school.

Nick: That’s right, John. In fact, a lot of famous people graduated from our high school.

John: It’s too bad none of them could be here tonight, huh Nick?

[Jon Hamm walks on stage, waves to crowd]

John: What a surprise!

Nick: You’re one MAD MAN, Jon.

[crowd laughs, Jon Hamm exits stage right]

John: But seriously folks, it’s time to get down to hosting. I have a few things to get off my chest tonight.

Nick: Like that shirt?

John: No, Nick. I have some THOUGHTS to get off my chest. And there’s no better way to do that … than through song.

[crowd cheers, lights dim, spotlights on hosts]

NOTE TO WRITING STAFF: Please write a funny song, about 2 minutes in length, that we can perform here. Would prefer something uptempo and melodic. NO HIP HOP. See if The Lonely Island is available.

[background dancers perform during song; blonde, preferably]

[Neil Young appears as guest guitarist]

[crowd gives a standing ovation at end of song]

John: Wow, that was a great song, Nick.

Nick: Indeed it was. And, folks, if you liked it, you can buy it tomorrow morning on iTunes.

John: That’s a first!

Nick: Sure is!

John: We can’t leave this stage without mentioning why we’re here, can we?

Nick: We’re here promoting our new film, Holdin’ It Two-gether, the fourth entry in our popular Holdin’ series.

John: You know them well — Holdin’ It Down, What You Holdin’? and Holdin’ It Together.

Nick: Now HOLD ON, John, we’re not here to promote four movies.

John: We aren’t?

Nick: Nope. We’re promoting Holdin’ It Two-gether, not Holdin’ It Down or What You Holdin’? or Holdin’ It Together.

John: I’ll take your word for it, buddy.

Nick: Anyways, we’d be remiss if we didn’t invite the series star to join us on stage. Jamie Foxx, get your black ass out here!

[Kenan Thompson walks on stage dressed as Jamie Foxx]

Kenan: Hey, I’m Jamie Foxx.

[crowd laughs, Kenan exits stage right]

John: How does that guy not have an Oscar?

Nick: I don’t know, John.

John: We’re starting to get the wrap-up signal, Nick.  Anything left you’ve got to say?

Nick: Not at all, John. Just want to dedicate my performance tonight to my girlfriend, Sofia Vergara.

John: How sweet. I better shout-out the ‘ol ball and chain, too, huh?

Nick: Of course. Need to keep things good at home, JC. Isn’t she in the audience tonight?

John: She sure is.

[camera pans to Michelle Obama; crowd cheers]

Nick: All right, we have a great show for you tonight!

John: Pavement is here! Stay tuned! We’ll be right back!

 

Mad Men Spoilers

Want a glimpse of what’s left in Mad Men? The descriptions for the last 16 episodes contain some juicy spoilers. Read at your own discretion!

Season 6
Episode 75: “A Tale of Two Cities” — The agency works to keep a client; Joan is caught off-guard.
Episode 76: “Favors” — More Don flashbacks; Ken publishes his first novel.
Episode 77: “The Quality of Mercy” — Don takes the kids to see a ballgame; The Monkees visit the office.
Episode 78: “In Care Of” — Sally attends junior prom; Bob Benson remains normal.

Season 7
Episode 79: “Castles Made of Sand” — Don buys a new hat; Betty goes to Woodstock.
Episode 80: “Lonesome Farms” — Peggy lands a new account; John Deere claims another limb.
Episode 81: “Aquarius” — Peggy plagiarizes an old ad; Kinsey joins the Manson Family.
Episode 82: “You Only Live Once” — Peggy loses an account; Don tries out for the Yankees.
Episode 83: “The Crock Pots of Mankind” — The office runs out of booze; Roger runs for president.
Episode 84: “Monday, Monday” — Bert gets stuck in an elevator; Don meets Lane’s twin brother.
Episode 85: “Everybody Everywhere” — Don shacks up with a young writer in the Village; Lena Dunham guest stars.
Episode 86: “Mad Women” — Megan joins the cast of Bewitched; Dr. Rapist returns.
Episode 87: “Let It Be” — The agency attends a funeral; Don has a wet dream.
Episode 88: “He Who Marches” — Vietnam; Pete Campbell lands on the moon.
Episode 89: “The Carousel” — Clip show; hosted by Mrs. Blankenship.
Episode 90: “Do Not Stop Believing” — Don falls out a window; Sal never reappears.