¡Yo Quiero Respect!

wpid-angry-manager
We’re posting this at the behest of Jimmy Frisco, a friend of the site and owner of the O’Brien University Taco Bell.

To the patrons of my O’Brien University Taco Bell franchise:

I’ve been noticing a lot of outside food and drink in the restaurant lately. Sure, you may be sitting with a friend or friends eating Taco Bell products, but that does not mean you have an open invitation to join them with your off-campus Subway $5 footlong or KFC Doublicious. This aggression will not stand.

Starting today, I will be reporting any and all outside food and drink to the University Police. There will be no warning, only action. I’d like to clear up any confusion by answering some frequently asked questions about this new policy:

What if I don’t like tacos?
Despite our name, we have a variety of excellent non-taco products. For instance, I’d recommend trying our Gordita Baja. There’s something for everyone here at Taco Bell!

What about my Starbucks coffee?
I will be reporting those as well. We serve delicious coffee here at Taco Bell. Rather than bringing your own, try a cup of ours! You won’t regret it.

But you guys don’t serve iced coffee. Can I bring my Starbucks iced latte?
We have a soda fountain that is in 100% working order. You are more than welcome to fill a soda cup with ice and pour your coffee over it. I’ve tried this. It’s delicious!

OK. Are those soda cups free?
No. You’ll have to pay full price for a soda, even if you’re not drinking any of our delicious Pepsi products.

Why can’t I sit with my friend? It’s not like some stranger is going to join her in the booth.
Actually, I’ve seen a lot of great friendships begin here at Taco Bell. Strangers tend to unite over our delicious and authentic Mexican offerings. We like to think of this dining establishment as your kitchen away from home; it’s only natural that lifelong friendships begin here. By bringing foreign food onto the premises, you’re poisoning such opportunities.

I saw your cashier Brad eating a McDonald’s Big Mac on his lunch break. Explain that.
Brad’s been terminated. All O’Brien University Taco Bell employees are required to eat Taco Bell products if dining on-site.

That’s incredibly unfair. I think it may even be illegal. How can you justify that?
Every employee has the option of driving to another restaurant and eating off-site during their 10-minute lunch break.

What if employees brown bag their lunch?
I’m sorry, but foreign food is foreign food. I don’t know where the food inside that brown bag came from.

I found a hair in my Cheesy Double Beef Burrito. Why didn’t you refund my meal?
I have no way of knowing where that hair came from. It certainly didn’t look like my hair. Also, please remember that YOU were the one who called my suggestion of a DNA test “impractical” and “ridiculous,” not me.

Why is Taco Bell the only restauarant on-campus? What happened to the cafeteria?
I was pleased to strike an exclusivity deal with O’Brien University in 2013. I’m sure both they and we will revisit the arrangement and explore all available options when our 25-year contract expires.

This all sounds good to me. Thanks for your explanation. You’re a great steward for Taco Bell and Yum! Brands Incorporated!
You’re welcome. Thank YOU for eating at Taco Bell. Remember: Live Más!

Sincerely,
James Frisco
Owner, President and General Manager
O’Brien University Taco Bell

The Brand Ambassador

Valhalla

My life changed when I became a brand ambassador for Valhalla Spring Water. For the better? Hard to say.

There are good times, to be sure. The cases of Valhalla Spring Water delivered to my driveway each month are a nice perk. I have enough to fully stock my fridge, one to display on my kitchen counter when guests are over, one for my car, one for the upstairs bedroom, and one right next to the elliptical in the basement. Should Valhalla ever terminate my enhancement contract, I also have plenty stored in my shed. Valhalla Spring Water and I will have a personal relationship that out-lives our business one.

But there’s more to it than the fresh, clean taste of Valhalla’s quintuple-filtered rocky mountain spring water. Sometimes I’ll go out for a day trip and blow through my water supply. I’ll become parched, having trained my body to expect an average of twelve 24-oz. bottles of Valhalla Spring Water per day. But I might sometimes be in an area with a corner shop that hasn’t learned about the crisp taste of Valhalla Spring Water. They’ll offer me a Dasani instead, but I’ll turn it down. Not because it’s contractually obligated*, but because I’m an honorable man. I have a brand. And Dasani is just tap water from Coca-Cola. I mean, when is THAT information going to break through to the mainstream media? I’m writing to my local congressman about it. I recommend you do the same.

Everyone always wants to talk to me about Valhalla Spring Water. This is fine when I’m at contractually-mandated appearances — I visit concerts, sporting events, playgrounds, and car dealerships, where I casually sip on my Valhalla in a cool and collected manner — but cumbersome when I’m trying to live my life as a private citizen who just so happens to have a contract requiring him to order, drink, and talk about Valhalla Spring Water while carrying on his day-to-day life. I’m sure it has something to do with the bottle. Yes, it’s aluminum, but no, it’s not a tornado. It’s technically in the shape of a cyclone. I don’t know the difference, but the people at Valhalla Spring Water make this very clear in the literature they sent me. I can take down your address and send you a brochure, if you’d like.

And sure, the women love it … at first. They all swoon during the first overnight visit to Casa de Valhalla. They get the free water upon arrival, after coitus, and before I escort her to her cab. But eventually, they all tire of it. They want to try something new. An Aquafina appears in the fridge, and I immediately know I’m being tested. She wants me to choose her over Valhalla Spring Water. Not because it matters, not because she thinks I don’t love her — just because she can. And that’s where I draw the line. If the water was good enough for you 6 months ago, it should be good enough whenever, Melissa. And if it’s not, I’m grabbing my coat, going to the bar, ordering a Valhalla Spring Water, and chatting up the first pretty thing I see.

Is this the good life? Are you jealous of the life I lead? Or am I just another “schmuck trying to make a buck”? You be the judge, dad. You be the judge.

*although it is contractually obligated

How To Write A College Application Essay

ED000049With schools back in session across the nation, we thought we’d extend our hands to students in need of help applying to colleges. The essay is arguably the most important part of any college application. With that in mind, we’re providing a few sample introductions to essay prompts in the Common Application. We offer these to students free of charge! Simply credit JohnAndNick.com in the header *and* footer of the essay you submit. It’s that easy!

1. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?

UrbanDictionary.com defines “faith” as “a dog that is most likely satan, when you wake up in the middle of the night she is inhaling the air you exhale.” My most faithful moment came when I…

2. Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

UrbanDictionary.com defines “courage” as “Don’t leap away from naughty, scary things. Just spit on in.” I felt courageos when I…

3. Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

UrbanDictionary.com defines “7-11” as “1. has the best fucking slurpees in the world 2. place to go when stoned off your ass.” I always relied on 7-11’s when I…

4. Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

UrbanDictionary.com defines “masturbating” as “somethign to do to pass the time.” I first learned to masturbate when I was…

5. Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

UrbanDictionary.com defines “bravery” as “the act of stealing a black mans chicken and trying to get away with it.” I first encountered my family’s troubling relationship with race when I…

State of the Ünion

John3We like to have fun and games here at JohnAndNick.com, but today is all about business. I am going to walk you throw how this cutting-edge web site is going to monetize itself and scale that monetization across the globe. We’re not just here to make money. We’re here to boil the ocean.

Our plans will take us above and beyond the competition. Sure, our content is better, but our strategy is taking us outside of the box and into new and interesting fields of thought and territories of practice. This is a dynamic and proactive web site. We don’t rest on our laurels here.

Nick and I are on the same page. We’re giving 110%. Our mindshare is strong. But we don’t make the past an expense of our future. We are mobilizing behind great ideas moving forward, while circling back to the nuggets that have made us successful to this point. At the end of the day, however, we have no choice but to take it to the next level.

Iteration is the name of the game today. But we must reimagine iteration and swap out some letters: iteration is now creation.

The window of opportunity is closing. We must incentivize readers, and then facilitate them when they arrive. We’re attacking this problem with hybrid solutions that have yet to be employed on the web. They have a horse in this race, and it’s us. Giddy up. Once locked into our ecosystem, they will have no better venue in which to socialize.

Of course, there’s an opportunity cost with risks like this, not to mention out of pocket expenses. We’re getting our ducks in a row on the financial front. We’re in battle, but we are sure to come out ahead. We don’t skip across the lake; we drill down into core issues and make sure we’re competent in all fields. Once we achieve that, we streamline.

In the end, this is all about moving the needle. This trail blazing plan is not only a game changer, but a win-win proposition for ourselves and our core constituency. It’s time to go big or go home. Let’s circle the wagons, gather our best ideas in the parking lot, and capitalize on our actionable goals.

Future-proof. Synergy. Paradigm shift. These have always been the core tenants of JohnAndNick.com, and I look forward to taking them — and you — into the 22nd Century.

To infinity … and beyond,
John Carroll
Thought Leader
Carroll ünd Klinger Enterprises

Mio Fit Pitchmen

During the 2013 Super Bowl, Tracy Morgan introduced the world to Mio Fit, a drink mix that promised to be healthy and energizing when added to water. Many mocked the company’s hiring of the portly Morgan for an allegedly “healthy” product.

JohnAndNick.com recently acquired a memo that lists the pitchmen Mio Fit considered before ultimately landing on Morgan. Here it is, unedited:

MEMO

TO: Richard Larason, CEO
FROM: Hank Verano, Marketing (Talent Relations)
RE: Mio Fit Pitchmen

Mr. Larason:

My team and I would like to submit the below list of potential Mio Fit pitchmen for your consideration. They are ranked from our top targets to our safety picks. With your approval, we will begin approaching their representation immediately.

  • George Clooney
  • Kermit the Frog
  • Sean Penn
  • Scarlet Johansson
  • Jennifer Aniston
  • Thom Yorke
  • Tom Cruise
  • Leslie Knope
  • Katy Perry
  • Julia Roberts
  • Heath Ledger
  • Dr. Phil
  • Michelle Obama
  • Barack Obama
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt
  • Tom Green
  • That Dog from The Artist
  • Wanda Sykes
  • John Stamos
  • Malia Obama
  • Tiger Woods
  • Mel Gibson
  • Nick Lachey
  • Mario Lopez
  • Sarah Palin
  • Dave Coulier
  • Tracy Morgan
  • Molly Shannon
  • Martin Landau
  • Biff Henderson

Best regards,
Hank