We’re posting this at the behest of Jimmy Frisco, a friend of the site and owner of the O’Brien University Taco Bell.
To the patrons of my O’Brien University Taco Bell franchise:
I’ve been noticing a lot of outside food and drink in the restaurant lately. Sure, you may be sitting with a friend or friends eating Taco Bell products, but that does not mean you have an open invitation to join them with your off-campus Subway $5 footlong or KFC Doublicious. This aggression will not stand.
Starting today, I will be reporting any and all outside food and drink to the University Police. There will be no warning, only action. I’d like to clear up any confusion by answering some frequently asked questions about this new policy:
What if I don’t like tacos?
Despite our name, we have a variety of excellent non-taco products. For instance, I’d recommend trying our Gordita Baja. There’s something for everyone here at Taco Bell!
What about my Starbucks coffee?
I will be reporting those as well. We serve delicious coffee here at Taco Bell. Rather than bringing your own, try a cup of ours! You won’t regret it.
But you guys don’t serve iced coffee. Can I bring my Starbucks iced latte?
We have a soda fountain that is in 100% working order. You are more than welcome to fill a soda cup with ice and pour your coffee over it. I’ve tried this. It’s delicious!
OK. Are those soda cups free?
No. You’ll have to pay full price for a soda, even if you’re not drinking any of our delicious Pepsi products.
Why can’t I sit with my friend? It’s not like some stranger is going to join her in the booth.
Actually, I’ve seen a lot of great friendships begin here at Taco Bell. Strangers tend to unite over our delicious and authentic Mexican offerings. We like to think of this dining establishment as your kitchen away from home; it’s only natural that lifelong friendships begin here. By bringing foreign food onto the premises, you’re poisoning such opportunities.
I saw your cashier Brad eating a McDonald’s Big Mac on his lunch break. Explain that.
Brad’s been terminated. All O’Brien University Taco Bell employees are required to eat Taco Bell products if dining on-site.
That’s incredibly unfair. I think it may even be illegal. How can you justify that?
Every employee has the option of driving to another restaurant and eating off-site during their 10-minute lunch break.
What if employees brown bag their lunch?
I’m sorry, but foreign food is foreign food. I don’t know where the food inside that brown bag came from.
I found a hair in my Cheesy Double Beef Burrito. Why didn’t you refund my meal?
I have no way of knowing where that hair came from. It certainly didn’t look like my hair. Also, please remember that YOU were the one who called my suggestion of a DNA test “impractical” and “ridiculous,” not me.
Why is Taco Bell the only restauarant on-campus? What happened to the cafeteria?
I was pleased to strike an exclusivity deal with O’Brien University in 2013. I’m sure both they and we will revisit the arrangement and explore all available options when our 25-year contract expires.
This all sounds good to me. Thanks for your explanation. You’re a great steward for Taco Bell and Yum! Brands Incorporated!
You’re welcome. Thank YOU for eating at Taco Bell. Remember: Live Más!
Owner, President and General Manager
O’Brien University Taco Bell