Shark Tank Pitch

Dashboard

Hey pals: I’m going on ABC’s Shark Tank in a few weeks. I’m nervous, but excited! This is a great chance to get my business off the ground. My pitch is below. I’d appreciate ANY advice you can share.

Hi sharks!

My name is James Deegler and I’m here today to pitch a revolutionary new product that’s going to completely change the way you drive and listen to music. This equipment follows in the historic lineage of amazing vehicular devices like the 8-track player, cassette player, CD player, satellite radio and Bluetooth receivers.

Driving. It’s pretty easy, right? One foot on the gas, one hand on the steering wheel. Simple. But you know what’s not easy: singing along to songs while you drive. Sure, we all know the lyrics to classics like “Hotel California” by The Eagles and “Yellow” by Coldplay. But what about when the new U2 album suddenly appears on our iPhones? Everyone’s first instinct is to listen to it on the ride home from work. But we don’t know the words yet! And we can’t play air guitar or air drums while we drive. That’s dangerous. The only safe way to rock out is by singing along. This is the most serious problem facing American drivers today: we all want to sing, but we don’t have time to learn lyrics in this crazy, fast-paced modern world of ours.

That’s where Paradise by the Dashboard Lyrics comes in to play.

Paradise by the Dashboard Lyrics is a major technological innovation that broadcasts the lyrics to whatever song you’re playing onto your windshield. Now, instead of just seeing the same old boring cars, traffic lights and stop signs, you can also see the words to all of your favorite hit songs, like Katy Perry’s “Roar” or Papa Roach’s “Last Resort.” Multi-tasking has never been so fun!

Customers can expect plenty of great add-ons once this takes off. I’m currently waiting on a patent for an extension I call Baby You Can Drive My Music Videos, which will transpose the official music videos for the songs in addition to the lyrics. This and other affordable features will present a totally immersive musical experience for our customers. I’m really excited to get it in their hands.

Now, Sharks, I want to hear from you. I’m seeking an investment of $10 million dollars in exchange for a 5% stake in my company. What do you say? Are you ready to show me that money, money, money, money? (pause) Money!*

* Please sing this last part to the tune of “For the Love of Money” by The O’Jays (available on The Apprentice soundtrack).

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College Hoodie Season

We didn’t have any content ready for our usual Wednesday slot, so our good friend James Deegler offered to step up and write something for us. He last guest hosted the site in 2013. Take it away, James!

I love the Fall for its cool weather, as it allows me to break out my extensive collection of college hoodies. Now, I’ve never actually attended college. In fact, I’ve never left the city of Philadelphia. I managed to amass this collection courtesy of my Uncle Chuck, who would always send me these little gifts from his work trips. He was a university development consultant, and he’d never leave a campus without popping a hoodie and a note about the school to me in the mail.

As a tribute to him, I thought I’d share some of my favorites from the collection:

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From Orgasm University. Purchased in July 2006.

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From Asshole U. Purchased September 2009.

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From Illuminati State University. Purchased earlier this year, shortly before his sudden and unexpected demise.

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From Douche Community College. Purchased in August 2012.

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From Virgin Christian University. (Fun fact: this is his ex-wife Aunt MaryAnne’s alma mater.) Purchased in December 2004.

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From the University of No Homo. Purchased in April 2010.

If you see me walking the streets in one of these hoodies, feel free to give me a honk and a wave. It’s what Uncle Chuck would’ve wanted. That, and a drink.

James Deegler is the owner of the razor blade boutique A Cut Above at 4th and Sansom in Philadelphia.