Pro Tips #2

Recently, we asked our readers to share their favorite life hacks with us. Why? Because we want to share them with YOU!


Thanks, Mike!


The New Year’s Mailbag


1. How are you guys ringing in the new year? — Devin Romer in Newark, DE

John: I’ll be poring over the statistics for and wondering if comedy has any place on the Internet. Afterwards, I’ll probably check out Fergie’s pre-taped New Year’s show. Always tops Ryan Seacrest’s bullshit.

Nick: The wife’s working, so I’m flying solo. I have a case of Miller Lite, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a copy of The Mummy Returns on DVD. You do the math.

2. Yo dudes! What are your resolutions for 2014? — Michael Ramsey in Philadelphia, PA

John: I really want to work harder on this web site and make it even better than it already is. My role model for this is Nick, who consistently amazes me with his work ethic and drive. If I can be half as good as him in 2014, we’ll be going places.

Nick: I resolve to just start giving a shit, man. I’ve been dogging it since we started. I just vomit up the first words that come to mind and then walk away. I forget 90% of the stuff we’ve done for the site. I’m surprised we made it this far.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you in 2013? — Lisa Turtle in Carson City, CA

John: Sorry to be Mr. Corny, but it has to be starting this web site with my best friend, Nick Klinger. What an amazing journey it’s been. I can’t wait to see where the new year takes us!

Nick: Man of Steel.

4. What’s the worst thing that happened to you in 2013? — Lucy Matters in Ann Arbor, MI

John: Man of Steel.

Nick: Some guy named DookieBot97 gave our podcast a negative review in iTunes. It was really harsh. He even made fun of the way my voice sounds.

5. Hey fellas! Love the site! Can you offer up a bold prediction or two for 2014? — Michael Burns in Feasterville, PA

John: Well, I’m thinking that we’ll be picked up by a cutting-edge sketch show early in 2014. Maybe Key & Peele or The Birthday Boys. After banging out a few sketches that go viral in the Spring, we’ll really blow up when people discover the small yet hilarious roles that we’re playing in these sketches — not because we think we’re actors, but just because we’re hanging around on the set when Bob Odenkirk offhandedly says, “Hey, everybody here on set, we need a guy or two to deliver this killer line! Our actor just left with appendicitis! Does anyone want to do it? Maybe a writer or two who are just hanging out near catering?” and suddenly we’re not just writers, but actors. Lorne Michaels will call, and he’ll offer us jobs on Saturday Night Live, telling us he saw our SNL spoof thing on our web site and liked it and it indicated to him that we were really right for the show.  We’ll start there in September, but we’ll quit in November, because we’re not happy with the lack of diversity in the cast so we decide to take a stand. Y’know, because comedy isn’t as important as equality. That’s when we’ll start writing our feature-length movie script. Want to know what it’s about? Well, you’ll have to wait until this time next year, when I make some bold predictions for 2015!

Nick: I predict that somebody will REALLY regret writing a negative review of The Critics Agree: The Podcast.

The Halloween Mailbag

Every day, our virtual mailbag is stuffed with thought-provoking questions from our readership. In honor of Halloween, we decided to debut a new feature called The Mailbag.

We’ll explain it before we begin. A mailbag is a sack in which a postal employee holds mail. When applied to the Internet, we’re not talking about a sack at all. We’re simply referring to our inbox, where ELECTRONIC mail collects. If those pieces of e-mail have questions in them, we’ll answer them below.

Let’s get started:

1.  What are you guys dressing up as for Halloween?  — Domonic Johnson from Beaver, PA

John: Hi, Fat Dom! Thanks for kicking off this new feature. As you know, I typically like to dress up as something trendy for Halloween. This year, everyone I know is all about Twitter. So I’m going to dress up as a Hash Tag. It’s pretty simple. First, I put on a purple sweatshirt and purple sweatpants. I then attach two purple pool noodles to my chest and legs with a hot glue gun. Voila: I’m a hashtag. To really sell the costume, I’ll carry around a piece of paper that says “#Hashtags” — this level of detail will really make the costume pop!

Nick: I like to make costumes from things I have lying around the house, so as to not buy things I’ll use once and otherwise waste (for those of you who don’t know, I’m 3/17th Cherokee, so conservation runs in my blood). So this year, I’m dressing up as a popular movie character: The Lone Ranger! I’ll be making a cowboy hat out of a cardboard box, using a dress shirt from work for my top, and then wearing my assless leather chaps to complete the cowboy look.

2.  What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen? — Mike Burns from Yankonia, PA

John: In 2007, I visited New York to see the Broadway show Cats with my wife. It was a really delightful trip. We were headed to Penn Station via the Subway when a man jumped in front of the train. It happened right in front of me. I saw his face as the train made contact. It was truly awful. I still have nightmares about it, and I worry that I’ll never be able to shake that image even though I want more than anything to erase it from my mind.

Nick: Saw III.

3. What is your favorite candy to receive while trick or treating? — Hank Zoo from Los Angeles, CA

John: This is a dumb question, and I can’t believe you wasted an e-mail sending it to us. With that said: Tropical Skittles.

Nick: I’m allergic to chocolate, a majority of nuts, nougat, coconut*, red dye number five and whatever Starbursts are made of, so anything that doesn’t feature all of those things is my favorite.

4.  My son and I are carving Jack-O-Lanterns this weekend.  Do you have any ideas for fun designs? — Heather Wright in Albany, NY

John: Well, when it comes to carving pumpkins, I’m all about doing the trendiest and coolest things out there. So why not carve in a # sign or @ symbol to hop on this Twitter craze everyone’s talking about? That will make your son the coolest dude in school.  If your son is a regular ‘ol Picasso, maybe he’ll even want to try and carve the Twitter bird into the pumpkin. If you guys do that, send me some pictures! I’ll add them to my Jack-O-Lantern collection on Flickr.

Nick: Try carving me giving a shit.

5.  What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled on Mischief Night? — Tony Chapman from Bensalem, PA

John: Great question, Tony. I have almost too many to list. I was a real pranking champ during my youth. Just pulled off some mental stuff. You wouldn’t believe the half of it. If I had to pick my favorite, I must go all the way back to elementary school.  Me and my mates just put one over on the teacher one morning. She came into class and we had every seat in the classroom turned around. Just picture it: we weren’t facing the chalkboard, we were facing the BACK of the room. It was hysterical, and I’ve yet to top it in the 20 years since.

Nick: In 2008, I was downtown with John. We were on a costumed bar crawl and got really tired at one point, so we decided to take the subway. Anyways, as we were waiting on the platform, I faked like I was going to throw John in front of the train. He went white as a ghost. I got him really good.

*Is this technically a nut since it’s cocoNUT?